211 Elliot
by blueblood357
Summary: The case that broke her. And the woman who put her back together.
1. Chapter 1

A/N: This is going to be rough. Especially in the beginning. It has some triggers. But its real. It's personal. And I always write a happy ending. If you can stay with me through the first few chapters, I promise there are happier times ahead. I hope you like it. And let me know what you think!

Also, there is a good bit of recall in this story. It flip flops between present and past in most chapters. Memories are in italics.

JANUARY 17, 2014

The office is cold but inviting. As usual. She is impeccably dressed with neat, short hair. Her legs are pulled up underneath her and she looks at me. Waiting. She waits on me without pressure, without an agenda. Her patience annoys me and I fight the urge to tear my eyes from the far wall to meet her gaze. Her heavy-lidded soft stare is too intimate. Too personal. So I fight. I take deep, heavy breaths and purse my lips with their release. And she looks away. I take the opportunity and search her face looking for a mirroring of my frustration with myself… my disgust… my emptiness. But I don't see it. And that angers me. She scribbles a note on her pad. Probably about my unwillingness to participate or my negative mood. But I don't care. I didn't ask for this. None of us asked for this.

And once again my mind is traveling back. It's going back to that day and I can feel the heat on my face and the wind at my back. And I feel the weight in my arms. I feel the sting in my throat.

"So…" I jump at the suddenness of her voice. She sees my attempt to orient myself to the present. Her eyes soften, apologetically. "Tell me, what brings you here?" I am silent. She isn't pushy or irritated with me. But I fight everyday so hard to push it from my memory. I fight everyday to close the wounds that are left. And talking about it just tears them open. But I am so tired of fighting. So tired. I just want to purge myself of it. Of the thoughts. Of the memories.

"What do you want to know?"

"Everything that you are comfortable telling me"

I hate open ended questions. You use them in interrogations. You use them to catch people in lies. You use them against perps. And I open my eyes and look at her with all of my rage and fear and fury. And she smiles at me. The smile is barely there but I see it. It's Maura's smile. The one she reserves for me when I am struggling. All of her comfort and sympathy conveyed. And I can't be angry with that smile. I fell in love with that smile a long time ago. So I let my eyes fall shut again and I grimace. She must see my struggle.

"Let's start smaller. Maura… Isles, is it? She is the one that scheduled this appointment for you I see. Who is she?"

"Maura is… she is Maura. If you knew her you would know what that means." I hear scribbling on a notepad. I breathe deeply. "She is my best friend. She is beautiful. And kind. And generous. And… she is amazing. She is smart. She is funny." I open my eyes and her eyes are big and encouraging. Her pen is hovering over paper. "She is my saving grace. She is everything." My admission startles me and we sit in silence for minutes…hours... I lose track of time staring at the far wall.

She gently encourages. "Sounds like you two are pretty close."

"Enough about Maura." I am impatient and on edge. She is patient and gentle.

"Ok, then. Why are you here?"

NOVEMBER 20TH, 2012.

_"It's embarrassing, Jane. The guys give me shit for it. Crowe. Korsak. Frankie. All of 'em."_

_It is a rare moment that I let Frost drive to a scene. But the guys were ragging him pretty hard earlier about getting sick in the morgue. I thought he needed the manliness of driving today. Uniforms said it is pretty bad. It was given to us as a suicide so we just need to make sure that everything checks out and we are on our way. Maura should already be at the scene. _

_"You tell them to screw off, Frost. If I recall correctly Crowe lost his lunch, two of them from the looks of it, on the PT requalifiers two years ago. Korsak gives everyone shit about everything. And Frankie. Don't even get me started on Frankie. Did you know he passed out cold when he was 15 and Ma cut her thumb open on broken glass? Out. Cold. Ma got so upset when he fell that she got blood all over him trying to wake him up. When he came to he saw the blood on him and passed out again." Frost chuckled and shook his head. "You are one of the best detectives around, Frost. And I'm not just saying that because Frankie is… Frankie. It's true." He nodded but his mood didn't change. "You are the best partner a girl could ask for, Barry." At the mention of his first name he turned his head toward me. His eyes silently asking for more reassurance. "I'm serious. Do you think I would have put up with your upchucking every other day if I didn't need you?" I punch him harder than necessary on his arm but he breaks out into a genuine smile and shakes his head at me, turning his eyes back to the road. _

_I pull my phone out of my pocket to text Maura and ask about the scene when Frost slams his brakes, sending my phone to the floorboard. "Goddamnit Frost, What the…" _

_"Turn the handheld on, Jane. Uniforms got something hot." I look up to see two marked units racing through the intersection with their lights flashing. It is a split second later that I hear their sirens. I fumble with the handheld radio in Frost's unmarked unit but am thrown to the back of my seat when Frost takes off after them, turning his interior flashing lights on as well. _

_"Get our vests!" I am a step ahead of him reaching around to the back seat floor board to grab our tactical vests. The radio screams to life but we can't decipher what the call is with all of the other officers talking over each other. In frustration I grab the handheld and bark into it._

_"PD357 to Headquarters, Break, dispo on situation in upper west, enroute behind marked units"_

_"Headquarters to PD357. Housefire. Subjects trapped. 211 Elliot. Repeat 211 Elliot. Two children. One adult."_


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: This chapter and the next few are harsh. Bare with me. _

_I slam the radio back in its holder and strap my vest over my body. I take the wheel while Frost throws his vest over his head and straps the sides tight. I gave him a sideways glance when he took the wheel and saw his dark hands go white on the wheel. _

_"Just get us there, Frost. We aren't far." He nodded and I watched his breathing increase, his jaw clenches, his eyes narrow. And I start to prepare myself. _

_It is something we do. Cops. We prepare ourselves for what we will see before we see it. It's our way of lessening the blow. So I think about the burn victims I have seen. Their faces and injuries flash through my head. I talk to myself silently._

_ I watch peripheral because I know Frost has lost his. It's called tunnel vision. We get it when we drive like this, or when we have a gun pointed at a perp, or when we are chasing the killer. It helps. It focuses us on the most prevalent of danger. But it makes for shitty defensive driving skills. So I call out his surroundings. "Biker to your right, don't cut over….. Idiot to your left isn't stopping, slow down a bit." He doesn't take his eyes off of the road but he does as I say, blindly trusting me. _

_"Clear right, Frost. Go." I fight against the force pushing me back just to get thrown toward the dashboard when Frost slams his brakes, skidding to a stop behind the uniforms. _

_We are both out of the car and running behind the two other officers toward a white duplex. But I don't see smoke. Or flames. I don't smell a fire. The uniforms stop to talk to a man at the front door. The father. And we get the word. _

_ Victims still trapped. _

_Frost calls for an arrival time for Fire Rescue as we rush into the house. We ignore the calls from the Uniforms. They are right. We shouldn't go in. Cops don't go in. We don't have the gear, we don't have the training, we don't have the experience. And we are taught that unless you know what the hell you are doing you don't go in. Because if you don't make it… when you don't make it… you are just one more body that they have to pull out before they get to the victims. _

_And all of that is blaring in our minds. But we go in. Not in spite of being cops. But BECAUSE we are cops. It's what we do. And the uniforms follow. Because they are cops. _

_I am the first at the stairs and now I can smell it. A gasoline fire. It stings everything that is exposed and I hold my breath. I motion behind me and Frost grabs the back of my vest. If he feels me go down he knows to pull back and out of the house. To get us to safety. Just like the ones behind him know to do. He jerks my vest softly telling me he is ready and we head up. I can't see the top of the stairs but right now it doesn't matter. I push to the top and my lungs are already burning from holding my breath in the middle of an adrenaline rush. I look left and right, I can't see any rooms and I don't know where to go. I reach behind me and tap Frost, pointing to my right. A silent signal for 'you go right, I go left'. But my diaphragm starts to spasm and a wave of heat hits me in the face and I can't go without air any longer. Against my effort my body takes a sharp intake of air and blinding pain fills me. I have breathed in pure smoke and my body is fighting violently to rid itself of it. I cough and sputter and force myself to exhale until I can't exhale any more. It burns and I throw my hand over my nose and mouth to keep myself from taking another breath and I back out. Frost backs me down the stairs as quickly as possible and we are out of the house in less than five seconds. _

_My body is racked with coughs and my eyes are watering so bad that I cannot see. It feels like I just got hit with pepper spray. Frost is in the same condition but he drags himself further into the courtyard for cleaner air. The uniforms didn't get the worst of it but their struggled breaths mix with ours. 3 Fire Rescue members are running toward us with their masks and their tanks. They run past us and up the stairs. I gather myself and move from the doorway for when they exit with the victims. I glance to the window on the second floor and see the blinds melted and black. It was a quick fire. No structural damage that we can see but it was hot enough to melt the plastic and fill the room with smoke but die down quickly after. It doesn't make sense to me. That is not how a house fire acts. That is how an intentionally set fire reacts. A flash fire. Something isn't right. _

_But the thought is forced from my mind when the first Fire Rescue member exits the house carrying something in his arms. I am the closest to him so he runs straights for me and dumps the contents into my arms. He screams so that I can hear him through his mask and oxygen tank hissing. "More inside. CPR." _

_It's a child. A baby. 18 months maybe. Unresponsive. I lay her down immediately to start CPR. But I see it. I see them. And I am shaking. "Fr….frost….FROST!" His head snaps to me and he starts to run. I swallow but my throat is bone dry. My voice catches and is strained. "Get the... get the tarps. This is a crime scene."_

_Two more bodies are pulled from that house. I lose track of how long it takes. It could have been seconds. It could have been minutes. My world slows. Three bodies. Under tarps. In the courtyard. Two girls and their mother. The first triple homicide the upscale neighborhood has ever seen. I hear someone retching and I searched for Frost. But what I see is one of the firemen. He is bent over, helmet in one hand and the other grasping the tree he is vomiting behind. One of his partners patting his back with his head bowed, standing between him and the street, shielding him from view. The third rescuer collapses with his back against the home, helmet over his face, defeated. He startles me when he rips the helmet from his head and throws it to the ground between his legs. I read the curseword on his lips. They had failed. There was nothing they could have done to save the family. But it didn't make it hurt any less. In fact, it might have been worse. _

_I jump again at Frost's hand on my shoulder. "Cavanaugh and Korsak are around the corner." I nod. _

_"The…uh…the man…"_

_"Detained. In the first unit." He is a father in grief, but he is also a suspect. The last one in the home with the victims. I nod again. I hear Frost groan beside me, covering his mouth. The tarp had blown off of the upper half of the older child. The fireman sitting by the house turns his head, snapping his eyes shut. There were injuries. I turn Frost around by his shoulders and lightly push him toward the car. _

_"Get another ETA on Korsak. And call Pike." He protests but my glare stops him. I walk to the bodies and cover the child again, tucking the coarse material under her shoulders and head. I do the same for the others. And I walk past them, past the lifeless forms, and I sit by the reeling rescuer who is holding back tears. I pull my knees up to my chest to mirror his posture. And I put a hand on his knee. I want to speak. I want to tell him that he is still a hero. That he put his life in danger and that there was nothing we could do. I want to tell him that it will stop hurting and the visions will go away. But I am not sure that I believe that right now. This is different. These aren't dirtbags that got mixed up in the wrong stuff. This isn't supposed to happen. These are children. And it is different. It's different. So I don't say anything. And I see Korsak pushing past Frost to get to me. I stand and meet him in front of the bodies. _

_"We responded to the fire call. They just started pulling out bodies. Three of them. Female in her thirties. Female child, approximately 6. Female child approximately 18 months. _

_"Burned?" I shook my head. No. _

_"Flash fire. Used to cover up the scene. I think they were… gone before it was started."_

_"Method?" I tried. I really did. But it caught in my throat. I dropped my head. He stepped past me and lifted the smallest tarp. His back stiffened and he replaced the tarp, standing slowly. "I've made the call to Maura."_

_"NO. No. You call Pike."_

_"Jane…" his eyes narrow at me._

_"YOU CALL PIKE! Do you understand?"_

_"Stand down, Jane…." Korsak warns._

_I peer at him, stepping closer, lowering my voice to a whisper. "You pull Maura from this case. You call Pike. Or I don't work another fucking murder for this department." Korsak looks frightened. Of me. But he stares past me so I raise my voice to a holler. _

_"You keep Maura from this scene, Korsak. You keep her on that suicide and you let Pike deal with this." He is silent. "Keep her off my fucking scene, Korsak!" He isn't responding to me and it is pissing me off. But when he raises an eyebrow to something behind me I spin around. Maura._

_Her eyebrows are drawn together and her eyes bore into mine. She heard me. And she is hurt. _

_"Jane?"_


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: This is the roughest chapter. But it gets better. Thanks for sticking with me. And I would love to know what you guys think. It's my first attempt at publishing to any type of forum but I have been writing for a while. I would love some feedback. It keeps me going. Also, this story is complete with the exception of the last few chapters. I am still trying to hash that out. I'm not writing as I go so there won't be any long lags between updates. Yay! I'll get on a regular posting schedule so, if you stay with me, you know what to expect.

If you love it, review. If you hate it, review. I'd love to see where I stand with you guys. Much love.

_"Maur… look. It isn't what you think." I grab her shoulder but she brushes past me. Heading straight for our victims. Korsak, Frost, Cavanaugh, and the two patrol officers have gathered behind me. And more are pouring in. Media will be here soon. Family members will start showing up. But all I can worry about it Maura. I step forward and call out to her. I try to stop her. But she kneels down, eyes still trained on me. She is between the two smaller bodies. And when she drops her eyes from mine it is because she has moved the tarp from the older girls face. And when she sees her, I see Maura. I see her shoulders roll back, trying to keep her composure. I see her breath stop. I see her throat moving, trying to swallow the lump rising in it. She licks her lips and draws them into her mouth, biting her lower lip. Her eyes widen. And she is up and past me, walking back to her car before I can speak. I watch her shoulders rise with a shuddering breath as she walks away. I turn to Cavanaugh._

_"She is NOT taking this case, Cavanaugh" I warn. "She is not." I step closer to him and we are inches apart. "You get Pike to do the autopsies." Cavanaugh nods his head. I release the breath I have been holding since before she arrived. I turn my back to them and rush after Maura. _

_Maura waits for me with her back to her car, looking down and picking at her fingernails. When I reach her she puts her arms out, palms up. I take both of her soft hands in mine. "Jane, are you alright?" Her eyes search my face. _

_"Yea, Maur. I'm fine." I sounded much more sincere in my head. She purses her lips and tilts her head. I love that look. "Really, I'm ok. Are you?" She nods her head. A little too quickly. _

_Maura pulls her right hand from mine and brushes her thumb across my top lip, under my nose. I recoil. Her thumb comes back gray with soot. "You went in." It is a statement, not a question, but I shake my head once as if she had asked me. I don't know why I lied. Maybe to protect her. To protect myself from more questions. And then there is another look. "Don't make a habit of that." I don't know if she is talking about the lie or going into a burning house. But it doesn't matter. I nod. She spins away from me reaching into her car. When she spins back she takes my jaw softly between her left thumb and forefinger and wipes at my face with a wet wipe. I stare into her eyes mesmerized by her tenderness in the wake of such violence just behind me. She doesn't meet my eyes until I reach up with my right hand and grab the wrist of her left. She allows the weight to drop her hand to my chest. My hand stays wrapped around hers. "Let the ambulance check you out. You will need a little oxygen." She taps my chest lightly. "I'll see you at the morgue." And her hand is gone. I feel naked without it. _

_"No, Maur. You're off the case." Her warm glare is replaced with iciness. I stutter. "P…Pike. He is taking the case." _

_"Dr. Pike is a pretentious fool and we have a killer to catch."_

_"Maura…NO." _

_She looks around before quieting her voice and stepping in close, her face inches from mine. "You are not my boss, Detective. And this is not your call. Let the paramedics check you out. I will see you later. In MY morgue." She raises an eyebrow at me and turns on her heels. Her car speeds away from the scene. From me. I loathe to turn around and face the scene again. _

_ Two deep breaths and I'm a detective again. I grab my notepad from Frost's car and begin logging the scene. Neighbors have to be interviewed. The father…I don't even know his name… has to be interrogated. The house has to be processed for evidence._

_But Maura's face flashes in my head. The moment she saw the body. It replays in my mind and my heart breaks. I don't want her to see this. I don't want her to know what happened to them. I don't even want to know what happened to them. And Maura, sweet, oblivious, Maura. I'll be damned if some sick freak is going to ruin her. The memories of what happened to these girls won't be her memories. Not if I have anything to do with it. I holler to Frost and throw my notepad at him. He takes it without question and I jump into his car and race after Maura. _

_When I arrive at the precinct her car is already parked and she is setting up a third table in the morgue for an additional body. _

_"I thought I made it clear you are not on this case." She is startled when I burst through her door._

_"Jane…"_

_"Don't 'Jane' me. Just listen to me. For once in your life. Pike is taking the case. You have the other case from this morning. You won't give as much time to my…"_

_"That was ruled a suicide and how DARE you question my ability to denote the appropriate…"_

_"Cut the shit, Maura. I don't want you on the case." Her face softens and her eyes fill. She brushes her cheek quickly. _

_"Jane. You are angry. And you are upset. And you are in shock. I will forgive you for what you just said but you need to back off. You don't tell me what cases to take. I am the most thorough. And you know it. And if you want to risk Pike's bumbling ass missing something crucial because….because….well I don't even know why… then you are a fool. You are a fool like him if you believe I will let that happen. Now if you plan to continue to argue then leave."_

_I stare at her with a set jaw and my arms crossed. "Why can't you just take my word on this one? Why can't you just stop being so stubborn and take…"_

_"You aren't doing this alone, Jane." She is looking at her hands flat on the cold metal of an exam table. "I heard the call on Korsak's radio when you put yourself enroute. I know what this is. And I know what you saw. And you are not doing this alone. If you want to push me away that's fine. But there are two little girls who need us to find who did this to them. And I plan to do that."_

_"I don't want you to see that, Maura. It was… I don't want you to see it. Ok? I couldn't protect them. Let me protect you. Please."_

_Maura crosses the floor. She is standing in front of me. Close enough for me to smell her perfume. Close enough for me to feel her heat. "Jane. Sweetie…" She takes my hand and pulls them to her chest. "I am right here. And I am going to be ok. You don't protect me. We protect them. We need to protect the ones he hasn't gotten to yet." I nod and she pulls me into a soft hug. I turn to leave without a word but pause at the door. She has already resumed preparing for the bodies. _

_"Maur." She looks up. "It was… bad. Ok? Just… promise me you will be ok. They look… bad."_

_"I know, Jane. I could tell when I saw you. I'm prepared. I'll see you in a few hours, ok?" She turns from me and I leave without another word. _

_My return to the scene is pretty fruitless. I had only been gone maybe 15 minutes but in that time 200 people had shown up. Frost and Korsak tried in vain to hold a perimeter against media and family members. It is a difficult thing, being a cop on one of these scenes. Your first priority is preserving whatever scene you have. People mean well, they really do. Most of them. They want to help. They need to see it. They want to feel useful. But one person can ruin a whole case. One ruined footprint in mud can be the difference between a conviction and an acquittal. Your second priority is being unaffected. This is the most damaging to us. The brave face. When everything is telling us to run and to be human and cry and be angry. We have to turn our attention to evidence collection and notifying family members and answering questions for concerned neighbors and ruthless reporters. _

_ When the bodies are removed we collect statements from the original three firemen. We set them on their way to get back to their families. To grieve in their own way. We wait until more patrolmen arrive to hold our perimeter while we get the father to our station. _

_Korsak takes the lead in Mirandizing him. He leads him to interrogation. I breathe a small sigh of relief when he shakes his head at me as I follow him to the room. I nod and turn back. Frost and I work for the next two hours on researching area sex offenders and making phone calls to parole and probation officers. We need a list and we need it fast. Though it isn't based off of any physical evidence, it gives us an idea of the felons in the immediate area and gives us DNA profiles to compare samples against. If Maura is able to find DNA. _

_We are comparing notes as Korsak exits the interrogation room. He exhales audibly, makes a brief phone call, grabs two cups of coffee, and walks back into the room. Either he can't break him or he isn't our killer. I am hoping for the latter. _

_I grab my own cup of coffee and make my way down to the morgue. The call came out at 10am. It is now 230pm. I push the door open softly. Maura is wiping her brow with the back of her wrist and lays down her recorder as I walk in. Her hair is pulled back into a loose pony tail and she is wearing her black scrubs. She looks professional. She looks worn. She looks sad. But there is that smile again. I walk, sheepishly, to her table. I feel like we fought, like I should apologize. I feel like something is…off. _

_"I can give report to Frost, Jane. You look like you need sleep."_

_"Right. It's not even 3pm. What do we have?" She shakes her head. "Come on, Maur. I saw it all. So just tell me." We both know what I am asking. I toy with my pager and my badge. It is a nervous habit. _

_"Female. 33 years. Cause of death…" I drown her out. I don't want to hear it. "7 wounds on her torso, ranging between 1.12 and 2.1 inches in length and all are .025 inches in width." _

_"A knife." _

_"You know I can't…" I purse my lips and glare at her. "Most likely, yes," Maura concedes. _

_"Sexual trauma?" _

_"Yes."_

_"DNA?" _

_"Swabs are at the lab. Running a differential for exclusionary sample. We should know if there are two DNA profiles present in about an hour."_

_"Ok."_

_"It was quick, Jane." I nod. _

_"Next."_

_"Female. 21 months. Four wounds to abdomen and chest. Same wound length. Same weapon." I fight the bile rising in my stomach. "Aortal puncture. She was gone after the first wound." I look at her with disbelief. "I promise. I wouldn't lie to you." I nod._

_"Sexual trauma?"_

_"No." I exhale deeply. Some semblance of relief._

_"Next." Maura shakes her head. _

_"Jane, let Korsak take this one, ok? Just this one."_

_"Christ, Maura, spit it out. I'm not in the mood for you to play protector." That was too harsh. I feel like an ass. But I am preparing myself to hear that someone did to this child what he did to her mother. And I cannot wrap my brain around formalities at the moment. She does not wait for me to apologize. But her voice is soft and she speaks slowly._

_"Female. 7 years. Five wounds to abdomen. Same length. Same weapon."_

_I open my mouth to ask the same question that I have asked for the other two but I know the answer. She quickly nods. "DNA is at the lab. Same process." It was enough to make me sick. "Cause of death…" She stops. I close my eyes. "Smoke inhalation." _

_Jane Rizzoli doesn't cry. Not often at least. Not when I broke my foot at soccer camp. Not when Frankie broke my nose. Not when my dad left. Not when TJ fell and asked for Maura over me. But standing here in front of Maura, hearing that my 7 year old victim saw everything... She was alive through it all. Maura just told me that if I had controlled my breathing I might have been able to get to her. She just told me that if I had been driving we might have gotten there faster. She just told me that that little girl could have been saved. That we could have saved her. And I failed her. _

_The words didn't come from her mouth. But I heard them. Loud and clear. She was inching her way toward me, coming around from behind a table. Venturing to whisper my name, trying to pull me from my self blame and anger. And I scared her. I ripped my pager from my belt and threw it against the wall to my right. It shattered. And Maura flinched. And I took my badge. I threw it too. I threw it as hard as I could against the wall to my left. Straining my shoulder with the force. The metal adornment that I worked 12 years for clanged against the window to Maura's office. It broke into three pieces. It was broken. And in that moment, so was I. _

_Maura didn't shy away from me. She continued her steady gain on me. I wanted nothing more than to be wrapped in her arms. To wake up to her voice telling me it was all a dream. But the pain was sobering. Maura reached out to touch my arms and I pulled away. I was overwhelmed and emotionally drained. I was on edge. And if Maura touched me. If she held me I would break. And I couldn't afford to break. _

_"I'm….I'm sorry." I put my hands in front of me, a sign of surrender, and I backed away from her. She wrapped her arms around herself and turned from me, busying herself with… I don't know what. My back hit the door and I never looked back. _

_"I'm going to canvas the neighborhood. Is Korsak still in with the father?"_

_"Yea" Frost is typing furiously and never looks up at me._

_"Frost, we need to go back to the scene. There was too much left undone. We need to check surrounding houses and buildings and look for surveillance videos. We need to review the fire rescue guys' statements about body placement before they were pulled out of the house. We need to make sure they are getting fans in there so we can go up and check for DNA when the smoke clears. I need you with me today." Frost never looks up at me but bangs on a few more keys then stands. _

_"Ok, let's go then." We grab our phones and our jackets and head for the door when Korsak's voice spins us in our tracks._

_"The dad is clean. His alibi checks out. Graveyard shift at Bostech. Never left his post. He said his neighbor installed security cameras two months ago after a car burglary. Check it out." We nod. _

_30 minutes into our second scene processing, my phone rings. It's Maura. _

_"Did anything come back?" There's no time for pleasantries. She understands. _

_"We got a match, Jane. We got a match." _


	4. Chapter 4

A/N: Hello Vez87, Norpan, Regina Rizzoli-Isles, Fenway03, lalalalee, and the guest reviewers! Guys, Thank yall so much for the reviews and follows. I love that some of you are feeling sympathy for J and M but I also love that one of you is pissed at J. The next few chapters will show her very raw. So I can't promise you won't still be pissed at her but she will eventually redeem herself. And whether you feel bad for our girls or want to scream at them, at least you are connecting to them. And that's pretty cool.

Let me hear you, gals! Longest chapter yet.

* * *

_Maura is at our scene in under ten minutes. I needed to see the comparisons for myself but Frost and I were not even close to coming to the end of collecting evidence. It would still be close to an hour before the room was clear enough to process. _

_"Ok. So there were two DNA samples in both samples I sent to the lab. Three samples in total. I have the mother's sample, the child's sample, and a third. So at least we know we only have one perp. I ran it against convicted felons and got a hit. We have as close a match as we are ever going to get. 99.99% accuracy that this DNA profile belongs to a David Blake. His DNA was taken in 2007 in Fairfax county Virginia."_

_"Felon?"_

_Maura nods. "He was charged with attempted murder and sexual assault." _

_"Was he convicted?"_

_"Yes. And I know what you are thinking. He was sentenced to only 10 years because the victim didn't cooperate. No sympathy card for the jury. But get this…" Maura flips a few pages and pulls out a transfer record. "He was transferred to Massachusetts State Pen to serve out his sentence. Put him closer to his father's side of the family. For visitation I guess. But Jane… are you ready for this?" I wait but calculate the new information. _

_"Maura, he should still be in jail. He has four years left of his sentence."_

_"He was released. Three days ago." I look at her dumbly. "Good behavior. He was released to a work release program. Guess where… Bos…"_

_"Bostech. He knew the father. You said three days ago?" _

_"Three days, Jane. It's him." She hands me a mugshot and an information page which shows his most recent address as less than two miles from our scene. "I called Frankie and had him run a history on him. He has a rap sheet a mile long. All violent crimes but most of the charges dropped because the victims wouldn't cooperate. He only has the one sex crime charge but… you know how those guys are."_

_"Frost, we have to go. We have to get this piece of…"_

_"I'm calling SWAT. And Cavanaugh. We will need backup. We have to do it right the first time. If we screw it up he could be gone forever." I nod. I grab Maura's shoulders and thank her. She beams. _

_"You're the best, Maur!" Frost and I run toward the car. _

_"Jane! Jane… I forgot… his blood, a considerable quantity was found on our victims. He will be injured. _

_"She fought back" I whispered to myself. I wanted to smile but settled for a nod._

_"She fought back" Maura repeated. _

_ The uniforms hold tight on our perimeter. We can process a scene anytime. And we can hold a perp for 24 hours while we do it. Our priority just went from collection to apprehension. Within the hour SWAT has mobilized and everyone up to the Chief of Police has been notified and is on board. I am not on the entry team on this one. I don't have the training. But I will be there. _

_We make our way to his apartment. Korsak and I sit uselessly in our vehicles listening to the correspondence on our radios. They breached the door, throw a flash bang to disorient him, and go in. The radio was silent for a whole minute. _

_"Negative contact."_

_Negative contact._

_We lost him. _

_The team pulls out of the house and Korsak is barking orders into the radio. "Relocating to Bostech ASAP." It is a long shot that after a triple homicide and getting the shit beat out of you by your victim that you would go to work. But it is the only other lead that we have. _

_Korsak and I drive slowly past Bostech, waiting for the SWAT vehicle to find a suitable place to unload. Bostech is a small metal refinery. Hard Labor. And it is an open warehouse so this will have to be quick and organized. Weapons drawn, we approach the warehouse. SWAT enters. _

_ I hold my breath. _

_From the perimeter I watch the lead man speak with someone in a suit. The man points to the rear of the building and the guys are moving again._

_"Subject in custody."_

_They got him. _

_We got him. _

_I holster my weapon and turn toward my vehicle, ignoring the stares from Frost. I need just one more minute before I see him. _

_I collect myself at Frost's car and I watch two SWAT guys walking him toward the armored van, his hands in cuffs behind his back. I intercept them. _

_I search his face for wounds but I find none. I pull the collar of his shirt down, looking at his chest. Nothing. "Turn him around." They comply and I pull up the sleeve of his work shirt. I am met with a gauze covered gash on the outside of his left arm. The wound is fresh."_

_"You son of a bitch." I hear a smug snort come from his direction just before he is face first against the side of the van. _

_This is another interrogation that I don't participate in. Men who assault women generally do not respond well to women in power. Their attention turns to me instead. They spend their time trying to exert their dominance and manipulation over me. And a man in power is not a man that confesses to a murder. So I gladly give up these reigns. _

_Frost takes the lead for the majority of the interrogation. He is as passionate about the case as I am. Everyone is. This case is…. Different. It is emotional. It hurts. _

_We don't get a confession. But we don't need it. When he is shown the lab results he lawyers up. Pleads the fifth. Refuses to give us any motive or any explanation. That's really all that we want. We want to be able to justify it to ourselves. Something so senseless and so vile. We try to put reason to it. And the sad fact is that we will never get that closure. We will never get that satisfactory reason why someone would do this. Because there are none. _

_Before the night is over we are able to collect David's blood from inside the house. We find the gas can that was used to accelerate the fire and, though we do not get fingerprints, we do recover a video from the neighbor's security camera showing him walking toward the house carrying the item. _

_We don't recover the knife._

_But it is done. He is done. And now it is just up to us to put everything together for a conviction. The fight is over. The fight for those girls is done. Some would call it a successful case. I don't call anything successful when three people area dead. But the fight is over. _

"I wouldn't realize for over a month that a fight was just beginning. Mine."

"Tell me what happened after that, Jane. How did you process what you had been through?"

"I drank. I drank a lot. I went days without sleeping. I fought. Everything. I fought her. I fought myself. I fought perps. I fought sleep. I fought everything. I was… so angry. You might call that processing… I call it losing my shit."

"What did you struggle most with?"

"I don't really know what to call it…" She urges me silently. "I hadn't slept in days. Jo and I had been staying at Maura's. I was seeing that baby's face in every mirror, every corner, every crevice of my apartment. It wasn't as bad when I wasn't alone. So we'd lay on her couch, her pressed against my back with her arm draped over my stomach. This started about two weeks after that day. She woke up in her bed to me staring at the ceiling having positioned as much of her body on top of mine as possible. She asked me if it helped and I told her it did. It was the truth. But it didn't help me sleep. It just helped distract me. Her perfume and the rhythm of her breathing. Her slight twitches as she rested between sleep and awake. It was a beautiful distraction. But sleep… nothing helped that.

I saw his face every time I closed my eyes. I would be so tired, exhausted, going on over 40 hours of not even a wink of sleep, and my body would shut down. I would start losing it. So I wrapped myself up in a sleeping Maura and I turned the television on some cartoons or something. And I kept my eyes open for as long as possible. But when they closed and I started to drift off, he would appear. He would be smiling at me. And just the sight of him jolted me awake. Maura would tighten her grip on me each time. But she would have fallen back asleep before my breathing even slowed. And when she would have a nightmare… I was terrible. I blamed her. I was so on edge that I was unable to help her through what she was dealing with. I blamed her for taking the case. I told her that she should have listened to me and backed out."

"Why did you think that you were responsible for protecting Maura from that case? Had she not worked gruesome cases before?"

"Of course she had… It's just… Maura sees bodies as just that. She sees them as science. A means of conveyance. Hidden clues which point to a killer. That is how she deals with death. She compartmentalizes. And I learned how to do it from her. We all get sick in the beginning. We all look like Frost hunched over vomiting behind a tree at some point in our career. But I was cold to most cases. Even the ones that hit closest to home… like Hoyt's cases. It got to me but it was nothing like these kids. And I had seen kids before. I had seen child victims before. But this one hit me hard. And I knew it would do the same to Maura. And Maura is so naïve and innocent, Doc. She is soft hearted and loves TJ, God does she love him. And he loves her. And I didn't want her to see that baby's lifeless face each time she saw him. Each time she saw her own child. I didn't want that baggage for her.

"Does Maura have children?"

"No. But one day. One day she will make an incredible mom. I want that for her. To be able to give a child what she never had. Which is why I wanted her off of the damn case. She deserves to be able to look at TJ, or at her own, and be elated. Not screwed up with the visions of that day.

"But she took the case. Why?"

"She…uh… she said that she didn't want me to do it alone. Which doesn't make much sense. How does it help me at all for her to have had to do what she did?" She is silent. "I think she knew that she was best for the case. Our best shot to catch him. She is the best at what she does."

"But that isn't what she said…"

"No."

"She said she didn't want you going through it alone."

"Yea."

"That's nice."

I smile at her for the first time. "That's Maura." And just like I have done for months, I avoid. "But Maura isn't my problem…"

I realize I've sounded harsh when she straightens. "Point taken." I'm an ass. "Jane, let me ask you something. Why is this case different? From all the other death you have seen…"

"I have thought a lot about that. And I can't tell you exactly why. It is a culmination of things. Upscale neighborhood. Low crime area. The violence of the act on children. But when I think about it, it hit me so hard because I wasn't prepared. I am not a first responder, per se. I usually come in after everything is said and done and I am briefed on the scene and situation before getting to it. But that day, we had every intention to go into that house and save three people. And when that baby was laid in my arms… the wind was taken from my sails. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless. I felt useless. I felt like a failure."

"But you weren't a failure, Jane. You caught the bad guy. You caught him within 8 hours of the slaying. That is heroic. He will never hurt another child."

"I was 8 hours too late."

She sits back in her chair, unfolding herself and dropping her hands to her lap. "I have an assignment for you, Jane."

"Lay it on me"

"I want you to go home and schedule a time with your partner to speak about these fears and this case. It has to be an hour time block or less. Three times a week. It is essentially scheduling your emotions. It is off limits outside of those time parameters but within them, anything goes. You have to allow yourself time to feel the pain so that it does not creep into your everyday life. Tell of your feelings of failure. Ask for reassurance. I think that you two will benefit from the freedom of being able to speak honestly and vulnerably about the trauma."

I scoff. Loudly. "Yea, nice try, Doc. Frost and I don't talk about this. I'm not becoming one of those weepy females who has 'bring your baggage to work' days."

"Frost?... who is…. No… Maura… Your partner."

"Maura is not… she is the medical exa….OH. Ok. No. Maura and I are not 'partners' or whatever you said. Maura is my best friend. We aren't a couple."

She looks at me blankly. "Aah huh… I see." She taps her pen against her chin and raises and eyebrow at me. "My apologies. Speak with your… friend… about scheduling time to talk about the case. Like I said. And I will see you next week." She gives me that Maura smile again. "See you soon, Jane."

"You too, Doc."

The whole drive home I am thinking about what she said. I try to think of what I said to make her believe that Maura and I were together.

"Nothing… I got nothing. What the hell would give her that idea?"

I walk into Maura's home, without a knock or call. Without using my key. The door is unlocked. I throw my jacket onto the back of her sofa, pat Jo Friday as I pass, and walk straight to her bedroom. She is washing off her makeup from the day and has run a bath.

"Listen to this shit!" She jumps at my voice and drops her washcloth to the counter.

"For the love of… Jane, can you warn me before you come in screaming? If you ever teach me how to shoot straight you will have to rethink your greeting methods…" She smiles at me and continues her task. "How was your meeting?"

"We can call it a session, Maur. You know that's what they are called."

"I just didn't want it to sound so…. Counselor-y… so how was it?"

I plop down onto my side of her bed, kicking my shoes off and letting them fall haphazardly to Maura's carpeted floor. "Oh it was alright. Do you now she didn't ask me once how something made me feel? Not once! I thought there was a quota for how many times that had to be asked during counseling." Maura chuckles. "I like her, though. I feel… ok."

"Well good." Maura bends down to pick up my shoes and pops my leg punishingly with one before tossing them into the right side of her closet where my clothes have accumulated.

"I was going to get those."

"Of course you would have, Jane. So did you talk to her about your sleeping problems?"

"Yea. She didn't really give me a solution. She just talked about scheduling time to think about the case and making sure that I distract myself when it is outside of that time."

"Ah… scheduling grief. That's usually quite freeing… When you are in a pattern of trying to push it out of your mind you begin to feel like feeling those emotions is wrong. You condition your brain to believe that you shouldn't be thinking or feeling certain things. Forcing coversation changes that pattern. I think I like her already!" She meets me raised eyebrow with one of her own. "What? I am quite familiar with psychology and the mind!" Maura makes her way over to her side of the bed. She lies down and pulls her pillow over my shoulder.

"Anyway… I don't think you would like her… ugly shoes." She laughs softly and drapes her arm over my stomach. Like she has every night for the past two months. Instinctively I place my hand on her arm.

"Well you wear ugly shoes and I like you!" I slap her arm softly. "But I like that she talked about distraction. You have said that distraction works well for you." I nuzzle into her hair and breathe in the scent of her shampoo.

"Yea. Oh my gosh! I forgot to tell you!" She looks up, a mere inch from me. "She totally thought we were a couple!" I snort in jest and lazily draw circles on the arm that Maura has draped over me. She throws a leg over mine.

"Huh… that's odd. Why on earth would she think that?"

We shrug in unison before she jumps up and out of bed. "I'm going to take a bath. Come in and tell me more about you session!"'

I watch her walk to the bathroom, disrobing as she goes. "Ok, right behind you." A couple…psh. What a quack.


	5. Chapter 5

A/N: Alright guys, this is my Wednesday update. I hope you enjoy it. And I really enjoyed reading your reviews. Some of you like the change of pace (dramatic to funny) and some of you did not. I appreciate both opinions! I can say, however, that this story starts in the present and the whole story consists of flashbacks and memories that will lead up to you understanding why our girls have the relationship that they have. And it is a little different from what the show portrays. But I love stories that switch paces a bit and keep you guessing. I hope that I do this one justice. Let me know what you think!

Oh, I almost forgot. Rizzles, even more than we have seen already, will show up in about two more chapters. So stay tuned. See you guys!

* * *

I don't know when I changed. I don't know what caused it. Maybe we are all born with it.

The last thing I remember is laying with Maura. In her bed. I was drawing lazy designs on her arm and shoulder. She nuzzled into me and her breathing deepened. She fell asleep. And every other night I fell asleep too. It wasn't for long but that is where I was. Somewhere between dreams and awake.

_I try not to wake her when the night terrors hit but sometimes she just feels them and pulls me closer. But tonight. Tonight something is different. I fell asleep for a short time but when I wake… When my body wakes it isn't mine. I am standing beside the bed and my hands are warm. I look down to find them red, covered in blood. Her blood. And I look past my hands to the bed and there she is. Too beautiful to have been a victim. My victim. Too perfect. Her face is pale. I pull back the covers to see what I have done. The crimson covers her bed and her body. I scream but I hear nothing. I have become him. And to Maura. I touch her face but she is cold. I fling myself backward into her wall hitting my head hard on the window pane. But it doesn't hurt. You can't hurt a killer. A murderer. I try to claw at the redness of my hand, wishing to rid myself of her blood. But I only serve to break my own skin, mixing our blood. _

_And their hands are on me. _

_"What have you done, Jane?"_

_"Frost…. Frost, No! I didn't…" My voice is high and strained._

_"What happened to you, Jane?"_

_"Korsak… I didn't mean…I love her… I wouldn't…" _

_They are grabbing at my flailing hands and holding them to their bodies, keeping me from touching her. From helping her. They look angry and fearful. But I don't want to hurt them. I want to help her. I want them to understand that I didn't mean to do this. I didn't mean to hurt her. I could never have hurt her. But they scream my name and tell me that I have killed her. They scream my name and the screams get louder and louder…. _

_And louder. _

_One of them wraps me up from behind and I fight against him. He doesn't understand that it wasn't me! That I didn't mean to! I collapse to the floor at their feet and sob. _

_They scream at me._

_"Jane….Jane!...JANE!" _

I open my eyes and take a sharp breath that makes me cough violently. My chest burns like I have been holding my breath for minutes and I am covered in sweat. I cannot speak. I have been here before.

A dream.

I feel ill and sink as far into the bed as possible.

Maura is holding my hands to her chest with her left hand and pushing the hair back from my face with her right.

"Jane, it was a dream. You are ok, sweetie. Are you with me? Can you hear me?"

I can hear her but I don't speak. If I do she will stop talking. And I need her to keep talking. I look at her, my eyes adjusting to the darkness. She slides her hands away from mine and turns on her bedside lamp. She turns to me and finds me eyes. My right hand reaches out and touches her cheek, her lips, her throat. I drop my hand to the sheet and push it off of her hip, pulling my hand up and taking the hem of her shirt with it. Her breath hitches as my fingers grazed her stomach. I relish in the smooth, untorn skin. As my fingers worked to soothe my racing mind, Maura's brush over every inch of my face. She wipes away sweat and tears… and fear. She turns more fully causing my hand to spread to her waist. I close my eyes and release a shuddering breath.

"Oh, Jane." Her voice is closer and as the first tears fall, her lips are on me. Kissing my temple. My cheek. The corner of my mouth. Her hands are on both sides, fingers stretched to the back of my neck.

"I hurt you." I sound child-like.

"No. Sweetheart, no." Her lips brush over my ear. Its a whisper. "You would never hurt me."

"Again."

"You would never hurt me." A chill runs down my spine. I pull her tightly against me. Cheek to cheek. My open mouth at the base of her ear. I breathe slowly and deeply and she repeats her mantra. "You would never hurt me. You would never hurt me."

You would never hurt me.

When I wake, again, it is two hours later. Our alarms have yet to sound. And Maura is wrapped around me. She cradles me to her chest as she sits with her back to her headboard. That was the first of the nightmares. The first of many.

R&IR&IR&IR&I

"She kissed you." Doc looks at me with eyebrows knit together.

"Not, like, kissed me kissed me… just on my face… area."

"She held you."

"Not, like, held me… comforted."

"You spoke to her about my assumption that she was your partner while you were…cuddling."

"I never said cuddling! I said she was… it just… its more like…."

She drops her pen on her notebook and smiles. A small but genuine smile. I stutter again and she holds up a hand to stop me. "Just tell me about the dream, Jane."

I do tell her. I tell her about how frightening it was to be on the other side. I told her how real it felt and how terrifying it was to feel like Maura was gone and I had caused it. I told her how my greatest fear is hurting the people that I love.

"So what does this mean? Does this mean I have some secret aggression toward her? That I am angry that she took the case so I want her gone? I don't understand. How do I stop it?"

"Jane I don't think this is about aggression at all. I think that this is about your subconscious fear of losing Maura. In the dream, after you…kill…her… your reaction is of terror. You aren't freed of her. You don't continue killing. You aren't even indifferent. You are terrified. You feel like you hurt her, that you killed her, and you lose it. She has to physically restrain you because you are fighting… to save her. Jane you are a protector. You protect what you love."

She is right. "It is just so… disturbing… to see her like that. And to be him. To be the one who did it."

"That tells me, Jane, that this is fear. Maybe a fear of a loss of control. Maybe you fear that you might lose control with Maura."

"What, like get pissed and fight her? But you just said…"

"No, Jane. Not fighting." We sit in silence.

"How do I stop it? The dreams."

"Well there is a technique called dream rehearsal. It requires you to relive the dream after you have awoken." I grimace. "But you change the ending. You take yourself through the dream and create a soothing, comfortable, happier ending."

"How the hell can I change the ending to murdering Maura?"

"Well, maybe that was an incredibly powerful scene in a new training scenario that the academy was putting on. Maybe the purpose was to teach about proper apprehension without disturbing evidence when the offender is still on scene. And the cadets apprehend you and preserve all of the evidence. And you tell them that they did a great job, and you correct their minor mistakes. And then you throw a towel at Maura and she cracks an eye open. She asks if she can be undead yet and the cadets laugh. You help her off of the bed and help her get cleaned up and you finish the lecture. And you are the good guy. Because you are training the good guys. And she is alive. It was all fake."

I close my gaping mouth and narrow my eyes at her. "You are good. That was damn good." She smiles and nods her head. "I can do that."

"Good. So how was the day after the dream? Was it still on your mind?"

"A little but, yea. That day was rough for its own reason, though. Not just because of the dream. It was David Blake's formal indictment and we all had to appear in court. This indictment was a mini intro to the trial... just like a taste test for the real thing. I hate it. Anyway…"

_There are pictures. There are the preliminary and state run DNA results from blood and semen recovered from our victims. There are family members, including the father. And there is David Blake. He would be read his formal charges and the judge would decide if the evidence was sufficient enough to warrant the process of a grand jury trial. _

_Judges are never on time. But we have to be. Maura and I sit next to each other on the back row of the benches. Frost sits directly in front of me and Korsak is to his left. Cavanaugh and Ma are next to me, Ma just for moral support. Frankie shows up and our Chief of Police sits in the front row, representing us and his town. _

_The father of the victims sits next to him. In front of the benches is David Blake and his attorney team. His team. Yes there was more than one, 4 to be exact, dirtbags willing to represent him. He is in an orange jumpsuit with a chain around his waist that hooked to his handcuff and ankle shackles. He smiles at his attorney and I have never wanted to kill someone so much in my life. With my bare hands._

_Maura is nervous next to me. She would have to testify briefly as to the chain of custody of evidence and the preliminary reports that warranted David Blake's detention and arrest. Her folder is bouncing on her knees and she chews her bottom lip. I place my hand on her knee._

_I probably would not have to testify. Not today. In trial, absolutely. But hopefully not today. _

_Frost looks green._

_Ma looks worried and her eyes flicked to me every 7__th__ second._

_I worry about what the photos from the scene will do to the audience when we turn them around on the easel. They are bad and they are big. It isn't some sick effort for sympathy. This is just an actual snapped picture of the three bodies. The judge needs to see it. The father does not. We were able to shield him from seeing their bodies until the funeral. But he would see it one way or another. And he will see much worse in trial. He will hear in depth report from Maura about how she determined that two sexual assaults occurred. And he will hear that his oldest baby was alive through the entire commission of the crime. She was our star witness that never got to tell her story. That was our job. To tell her story._

_The judge exits his chambers and we all rise to our feet. He orders us to sit and takes his own seat. _

_"Mr. David Blake." His lawyers stand and verifies his attendance, identifying themselves as his legal team. The district attorney rises and identifies himself as prosecution. _

_"Very Well. Mr. Blake. Are you aware of the charges that the state is bringing against you?" He shakes his head. "At any time stop me if you need clarification. Mr. Blake, in the matter of Commonwealth of Massachusetts, City of Boston versus David Leon Blake, docket number 082887, you are being charged with the deaths of Elizabeth Diane Brooks, 37, of 211 Elliot Drive, Carly Jean Brooks, 7 of 211 Elliot Dr, and Callie Rae Brooks, 1 of 211 Elliot Dr. You are being charged as follows: 1 count capital murder, 2 counts capital murder of a juvenile, 2 counts aggravated rape, 1 count aggravated arson, 1 count obstruction of justice. The gravity of these charges are severe, Mr. Blake, as I am sure you know. Minimum incarceration period, if convicted, of just one count of capital murder holds a 40 year sentence. Consecutive sentences for conviction of each charge would require a minimum incarceration period of 185 with benefit of parole at 82 years. But, Commonwealth of Massechusetts reserves the right to sentence an individual accused of capital murder to death. Are you aware of the state's intention to prosecute on these charges?"_

_He does not answer. An attorney stands and answered affirmatively. _

_"Very well." State, you may call your first witness."_

_Maura does great. She is confident and concise. She is only one the stand for a few minutes. Mr. Brooks is given the chance to speak but he declines. He is barely holding it together. And just after the two hour mark, we are released. I schedule an appointment with the therapist for later today, just in case. And with no other pressing issues, Maura agrees to accompany me to lunch. _

"I wouldn't say it was traumatic. But I would say that it was uncomfortable. It was uncomfortable how much I wanted to rip his throat out."

"I won't include that in my notes." She grinned and pulled her feet under her, her signature move for 'we are about to get into some deep shit.' I sat in the center of her sofa, relaxed and full from my lunch with Maura. "Jane, can I tell you of a concern?"

"You are going to anyway so…"

"Well that's true." She smiles. "Jane I am concerned that you are too close to this case. That these children are becoming part of you. Part of your life." I start to object but she holds a hand up. "Just hear me out. I am concerned that, by your connection with this family, you are causing yourself to believe that they are more to you than what they were. That they were family. That you knew them, personally." She does not take her eyes from me, gauging my reaction.

"I can understand that. But…" I exhale audibly.. "Elizabeth Diane Brooks. 5 foot 3. 134 pounds. Masters degree in computer literacy. High school computer science teacher. She loved her girls more than life. Carly Jean Brooks. 3 foot 6. 70 pounds. Honor student. Perfect attendance since kindergarten. She played hockey. And she loved her daddy more than life. Callie Rae Brooks. 37 inches tall. 34 pounds. She was in the 90th percentile for height and weight. Her mother joked that she would be a hockey goalie. If only she could stand on skates better than she could stand on her feet. Callie loved her big sister. And Dora… ya know… the explorer. Maybe I am too invested, Doc. But they aren't the only ones. My first case was a Ryan Dean Johnson, white male, homeless beggar whose tox screen came back clean. The perp said he robbed him for crack and money. Ryan didn't have either. Last summer was an accidental discharge turned murder. 14 year old Davey Griffith was hunting with his father when he lost his grip on his shotgun. Instead of letting it fall to the ground he fumbled with it and discharged the weapon. Into his father's back. John Griffith, 39. He left behind three other children, Daphne, Drake, and Dylan. And a wife Delores. She was a part time nurse. She took care of my kid brother one time." I sit back on her sofa. "Jessica Frasier. Last May. 21 years old. Junior at Boston College. She tried online dating. The first guy she met… we found her bound and gagged in the trunk of her own car. It took four days for us to contact her family. Todd and Crystal. So… yea…I may be too invested. You are probably completely spot on. But you don't let family's deaths go unsolved. You work and you push and you find the motivation to go just a few more hours and look just one more time for something you missed. Something that will give the survivors an answer. Justice. I don't know another way, Doc. None of these victims are nameless bodies to me. They are all part of me."


	6. Chapter 6

A/N: Hope you guys are still out there. Sunday update. Rizzles to come in chapter 7.

* * *

"Elliott Drive stuck with all of us. But our work was done until the trial. And that could be years away. But none of us really had that joy for the job back yet. We would banter and I would give the guys a hard time. But it was always in the back of our heads. We had our ways of coping. Frost and I had our few weeks of over-drinking. That's part of what led to the chief mandating employee assistance…therapy. That was the cloak under which it was presented. But Frost and I knew where it was coming from. It had been the suggestion of a certain doctor since a few days after the case. And I went. Partly because I had to in order to keep my job. But partly because Maura never suggested anything without knowing it was best. Especially for me. So I come to therapy. I am on time and I participate. Maura expects it of me."

"Why was Maura suggesting therapy?"

"Well… I kind of gave her no choice…"

_"Jane… again?" I lay flat on her floor, upper half in Maura's foyer and lower half on her front steps. I had been leaning heavily against her door just a few seconds ago. Now I am sprawled out and laughing uncontrollably. It doesn't help matters that Frost is leaning in the door and laughing, smart enough to have leaned against the outer wall when he sat. _

_"Jesus, Maura! How did you even*hiccup* know we were here? We were quiet. Like ninjas!"_

_"Im not a ninja! You ever seen a black ninja, Rizzoli?" Frost grabbed at his side, in tears._

_I lay silently, trying to suppress my laughter. "No, but there was a black power ranger." Even Maura stifles a laugh. _

_"Come in here, you two. You will wake the neighbors."_

_"Neighbors, shmaybors" I laugh as she helps me sit. Frost stands and steadies himself on the door frame, gagging._

_"Oh, Barry… bushes, bushes!" She points him outside. He cups his hand over his mouth, swallowing hard. When he drops his hand he wears a smile. _

_"Under control, Doctor."_

_"Don't believe him!" I call, gathering myself from the floor. "Frost hasn't had that under control for… what is it… five years that I've known you now?"_

_"Seven, Jane. You have known Barry for 7 years. And don't make fun of him. You are both drunk." _

_I am appalled. "Make fun? I would… ugh… I can't… Make fun of… of my partner? I don't make fun of heroes, Maura, and you shouldn't either. So what if he is pukey pants every now and then. He is my partner." I point my finger accusatorily at Maura, but my swaying causes me to point everywhere but at her. I drop my hand and my voice. "Do you know what he did, that day?"_

_"Jane, maybe this isn't the time," Maura whispers. She looks past me to Frost who is leaning against her closed door, eyes closed._

_"He pulled me… out. Of the house. He had his hand like this," I grab the collar of her pajama top and pull a little harder than necessary. "He had me and… when I couldn't breathe he backed us down the stairs. I might have died. Maura. Died, like those kids. That could have been me."_

_"Jane, don't talk like that."_

_"Yea, shut up, Rizzo…" Frost calls from behind me. I spin around to find him fighting back a gag reflex again. _

_"Frost… bathroom… now." Maura pulls my hand from her shirt and grabs his arm, pushing him toward her spare bathroom. He stumbles ahead of her and I see the tell-tale rise of his shoulders and arching of his back and he tries to keep from vomiting on Maura's floor. I follow them. I didn't want to see it, but I wasn't going to leave him._

_He collapses onto his knees in front of the toilet and I grimace when I hear it start. Maura wets a washcloth and puts it on the back of his neck. She grabs my hand and replaces hers, holding the washcloth." He won't want me to have been here. Hold this here. When he is done walk him to the room and I'll help you get him in bed." I nod. Even drunk, I was aware enough to know what she was doing. She was protecting him. His pride. _

_"I haven't thrown up since that night…" Frost's words stop Maura at the bathroom door, but she puts her head down without turning around and walks out, quietly shutting the door behind her. _

_"I know, buddy. Just get it out. You will feel better." And I am talking about physically. I am talking about ridding his body of the horrible food and the alcohol we had at the Robber. But when he starts talking I realize that that isn't what he needs._

_"Ten minutes earlier, Jane. Ten minutes. We could have saved one." He pulls his knees out from under him and sits, leaning his back against the wall, facing me. "I was scared to go in. You know that? I was scared but you were brave and I couldn't let you show me up." I smile and drop my gaze. "That's not true…." I know. "I couldn't let you go by yourself." I know that, too._

_"I know, buddy."_

_"But I still see them… do you? Do you still see them?" I don't answer. His eyes search me. "I still see Carly. She was covered with soot but when they laid her in front of me she didn't have clothes on. She was naked. And I knew." Frost's face changes and he covers his eyes with his hand. "I knew what that bastard did to her. I didn't even see her injuries at first. I just saw her face." He takes a ragged breath. "Some of them just look like they are sleeping, Jane. Peaceful. Carly didn't look peaceful. She looked… scared. She looked scared." He bites his lip and his chin quiveres. "I wish I could take that away." I scoot closer to him and pull his head onto my shoulder. _

_"I know, buddy." It is all I can say. _

_Maura slips silently into the bathroom, a large pair of my sweatpants in hand. _

_"He is staying," Maura's eyes are red and she bites her lip. "Bring him to the guest room." I obey and Frost is not nearly as hard to guide as I had anticipated. Our conversation sobered him. _

_"Give him these, I am going to get you both some water and pain reliever." _

_I give Frost the sweatpants and he changes into them, crawling into the bed. Maura returns with two bottles of water and Tylenol. She places a bottle on the bedside table and lays the Tylenol beside it, squeezing my hand as she walks past me. _

_"Goodnight, partner," he calls as I flip the light off._

_"'Night." I stop short of the door. "I'm proud of you, Frost." I don't wait for a response._

_When I close the door Maura is leaning against the wall with her arms crossed. She looks angry. "I'm sorry, Maura. I'm sorry we woke you." She shakes her head. _

_"This isn't healthy, Jane."_

_"What are you talking about? It was just a few beers…"_

_"You know that isn't true. You are self-medicating. You both are. And it isn't healthy." That makes me angry._

_I push past her but she grabs my arm. I pull back as if I had been burned. "Don't tell me what to do, Maura. Frost needed a beer. I needed a beer. We talked about work and about the Sox and we ate. What's the big deal?" My voice is loud and harsh._

_"The big deal, Jane, is that you drove to my house tonight. Drunk. Poor decision making. The bid deal is that you have gotten drunk every night for the past 5. Self-medicating. The problem is that you can only speak about the emotional impact of the case when you and Frost are inebriated. Emotional numbing. The problem is that you would have been late to work three times this week if I wasn't waking you up. Come on, Jane." I back away from her, face stoned and angry._

_"You don't talk to me like you know what it was like. You weren't there. You didn't have that child put in your arms. You didn't go there thinking you could save them!" I am screaming at her. Tears run from her eyes and I wipe mine in response, finding them wet. "You don't get to judge me, Maura. You don't know…"_

_"I do know! I do know, Jane!" She throws her hands up and lets her tears fall. Her voice is strained. "I was there every step of the way except for in that house. I had to catalogue their wounds, measure their injuries, I had to do two rape kits, Jane Don't for one second think that, because I am not drowning my perceived inadequacies in alcohol, that I do not feel what you feel. I feel it." She pauses to catch her breath. I take the opening._

_"No one asked you to do that! In fact I asked… I begged to have you taken off the fucking case! I told you over and over again to pull yourself from it and you refused. Why the hell is that my fault? I didn't want you to do that, Maura. I didn't want you to do the kits and log the wounds. On a baby. I asked you not to. So how is that my fault?!"_

_Maura looks at me wide-eyed. "It's not your fault, Jane! It isn't your fault. But it isn't mine either. It happened. And its horrible. And we all wish it didn't have to happen but don't you dare treat me like I've done something wrong." She moves toward me, touching my crossed arms and she is no longer yelling. "It isn't our fault. And I know what you went through. I do. And I am so sorry. But you are so angry for me taking that case. Who asked you to respond to the fire, Jane? Who asked you to go?" I is silent. "No one. You are not a uniform. You don't respond to fire calls. But you did. You went. Because that is who you are. That is what you do. You are Jane. The bravest and most… incredibly selfless woman that I know. So don't fault me for what I did. I learned it from you." She stops and reaches out for me, taking my hands. "It was hard. It was horrible. For everyone. And we all need each other. But we have to do it in a better way. In a healthier way." _

_Everything inside me wants to fight but her thumbs brushing over the skin of my hands quiets my anger. In its place is fear. _

_"I'm sorry, Maur." At my defeat she advances, pressing her body against me, wrapping her arms around my back. Softly. "I'm sorry. I'm just… I'm so angry. That it had to happen."_

_"Me too, sweetheart." I wrap my arms around her and we both steady our breathing. "Let's go to bed." _

_"I can take the couch… I'm a jerk and I probably smell like a bar."_

_"You smell like Jane. And I want you next to me tonight." She catches my eye for the briefest of seconds and leads me down the hall by my hand._

R&IR&IR&IR&IR&IR&I

"Why are you looking at me like that?"

Her creased brow does not soften. "I just… um… I am confused about something."

"What?"

"Jane, does Maura have feelings for you?" If I had been drinking water it would be sprayed across the room.

"What! No. Maura is… she could have any man she wants!"

"But she doesn't 'have any man she wants'?"

"No. We work constantly. And most guys don't get her quirks. Like her big words and hives. And not to mention she normally goes for the "plaster hand" creeps and I end up having to push the douche down an elevator shaft."

There's that look again.

"Jesus, with the look… You are as bad as Ma with wanting me in a relationship. Look, Maur and I have something special, yea. I trust her. We get along, given that I don't shoot another one of her parents. She is the one who always knows what to say. I don't have to wear the… the mask around her. I can cry and she doesn't judge. She doesn't poke fun like the guys. She is gentle and kind and a perfect contrast to everything else in my world. And I feel that I'm some of those things for her, too. She didn't have many close relationships before BPD. And now she does. We are family." Family. That word. My stomach tightens to stop the fluttering. My jaw follows. "You don't sleep with family, Doc."

"I understand." She shifts. "Thank you for sharing all of this with me, Jane. I can see that this whole process isn't easy for you."

"Yea well… nothing has been easy for a very long time." Her consistent, encouraging stare gently pushes me to keep going.

"The few weeks after the murders you were destructive. Functional but destructive. Some would call it a spiral."

"Ah… my spiral." Read sarcasm.

"Was there a rock bottom? Besides the drunk night at Maura's"

"April 15th." I say it matter-of-factly. She nods. "That's when I knew something was wrong…"

"How did you realize it?"

I shrugged. "I had some help." I smiled and the woman in front of me smiled knowingly.

"Tell me about it."

"Maura and I were called to a scene early that morning. It was a Sunday and we were planning to have a family dinner later that night."

_"_Family dinner?"

"Yea… Me, ma, Frankie, Tommy, TJ, Maura."

"Ah… family… dinner. Continue." I ignore that.

"The call was a shooting. A man got shot right in front of his home. Nothing too bad."

_ The scene is clean, not much gore. We are notified by the task force that the man has been involved in many narcotics investigations in the recent months. It isn't hard to find motive on this one. So we work the scene and we are in the house and Maura and I are having a good day. But the location… its right on the corner of a known homeless section. A lot of guys hang out there and make trashcan fires to keep warm. It's barely spring so its still cold. _

_See, there are many types of fires. Grease fires, wood fires, trash fires. They all have different smells. So does a gas fire. And this was a gas fire. _

_I walk out of the house, Maura has draped her arm through mine and we are laughing about something Frost said. It is a few steps into the yard when I am hit with the first breeze. The cold wind carried the smell of the fire and I can't breathe. Maura feels me tense and places her free hand on my arm. _

_"Jane?"_

_"I'm uh… yea. I'm good. Let's go." It takes several seconds for my desire to walk to reach my feet. Maura stays beside me. Her eyes are searching me and, though I am looking straight ahead, I feel the heat of her stare on me. _

_"Um… Jane. What is your mother planning on making tonight?" I look at her dumbly. "Gosh, I hope she makes her tortellini. With the red sauce. I can smell it now. Can't you? Remember what that smells like? The robust tomato sauce, the creamy cheese, and how she makes that garlic bread. That smell fills the kitchen, doesn't it?" I nod. I breathe. "There we go… you ok?" Her last words are a whisper. I nod again. "Good. Oh, and I can't wait to see TJ. Angela told me yesterday that he is cutting his first tooth. How exciting! Decidious tooth eruption is the mark of a child's movement to the next stage of development. Soon he will be taking table food and… oh… walking! Can you believe that?" God I love that she does that. That she knows exactly what to do. Exactly what to say. _

_"I'm good with the walking. But if he is anything like his father, the table food can wait." She smiles. _

"So that is how it started. It wasn't debilitating. But the memory of that smell was so strong. It was like I was right back in that house. My throat started to burn and my eyes started to water. It was… It was scary."

"The olfactory sense is most closely associated with memory. You might never lose the memory of that smell. But you got through it. And the flashback only lasted a few seconds?"

"Yea."

"So Maura's distraction was helpful."

"Yea, definitiely."

"Have you spoken to her about that?"

"Uh… no but I guess she just kind of picked up on it. She uses it when I have the nightmares now too. We talk about the Sox or Jo and Bass or TJ. We talk about Ma and Cavanaugh… but sometimes that makes me nauseas so…"

"She is good for you. She is helpful." I meet her smile then look at my hands.

"Yea… the best." She is silent, eyeing me. I shift under her gaze. "Anyway..."

_We get home at about 4 and Ma is already cooking in Maura's kitchen. I inhale deeply, breathing in all that Maura described an hour ago. It smells amazing. I sneak past Ma who chaseds me to kiss me on the cheek. I sneak a taste of the sauce, pick a piece of crust off of the uncooked garlic bread, and excuse myself to the shower. Maura is just settling in at the island, vaguely answering Ma's questions about the case. _

_"Maur, come see for a second, please…" I call for her from her room and hear her heels click against the tile. She appears at the doorway of her room._

_"You ok?"_

_ I am bent over the last drawer in her bureau. "Yea, my PD sweat pants, I think I left them in the dryer… could you….?"_

_"Yea, of course. Be right back." She disappears from view and I strip out of my pants and underwear. When she appears holding the sweats I greet her from behind the bathroom door, my naked body hidden and only my head peeking from behind it. _

_"Ah, thanks babe…." Her head snaps up. "Uh…" I laugh nervously. "Sorry… I don't…. Thanks Maur. I appreciate it."_

_"Anytime, Jane." I cannot read her expression and I fear that the slip of the tongue was over the line. _

_"Maur… Look… I… It didn't…" _

_She grins. " Its just a term of endearment. It's ok. I don't mind." I exhale._

_"Ok… it was just the look you gave…" _

_She meets my eyes and I feel an unfamiliar flutter in my stomach. "It was just that when you said it… it was… different. That's all." She turns from me and walks toward the door. She stops and turns back toward me, looking as if she was on the edge of saying something. But she doesn't. Just smiles again and turns away, leaving. _

_I shut the door slowly and press my back against it. I shake my head, stepping into Maura's shower. _

_When I make it downstairs all of the boys are here. Ma is holding TJ, letting him sample the tomato sauce. Maura's arms are engaged in her story to Frankie about our scene today. _

_"What's up guys?" They mumble a collective "Hey" and go back to their previous engagements. My eye catches Maura and I am reading her lips and watching her eyes light up as she talks about how much evidence was recoverable and what that means for prosecution. Frankie looks as engaged in her as I feel. _

_"Oh, TJ! My goodness!" Ma's voice catches all of our attention and we see that TJ has taken the spoon from her hand and spilled tomato sauce down the front of his shirt. "TJ, that is going to stain, honey!"_

_"Oh, Angela, I have some spot cleaner above the washing machine. Let's take that shirt off. Jane and I have a few things for him upstairs for when he stays. I'll go redress him."_

_Ma obliges, pulling his shirt over his head. Maura grabs him from behind, nuzzling into the side of his neck and she pulls him into her. "Come on, big boy. Aunt Maur has the perfect blouse to match these pants."_

_"SHIRT!..." it was a collective correction from my brothers and I. Maura turns to us wide eyed. _

_"Jeesh…shirt!" She corrects, smiling as she ascends the stairs. _

_I shake my head. "I swear, between blouses and trousers and house shoes… that kid is going to grow up thinking he lives in the 1800s!" _

_"I heard that!" I had been caught. _

_A few minutes later, dirty shirt soaking, the timer for the garlic bread sounds. "Janie, honey. Get Maura and the baby so we can eat." _

_I head upstairs and push open the door to Maura's room. She has TJ, his top half still bare, and her back is to me. My nephew is cradled in her arms and she has pushed open her blinds, pointing to something in the distance. TJ kicks his feet and squeals._

_ I can't breathe. _

_As beautiful as I know Maura to be, she has never been more beautiful than in this moment. The evening sun casts a shadow on the side of her face and highlights her light hair. She always comes alive with TJ. Her smile is brighter. Her laugh is louder. As I make my way to her she drops her free hand to cradle TJ more securely from underneath. _

_ She knows that I am in the room but she pays no attention. I want in that moment to wrap her in a hug and tell her how amazing I think she is. To tell her how thankful I am to have her in my life. But I concede to walk next to her, bumping her shoulder. She looks to me and smiles. A genuine, lazy smile. My heart stops. _

_ The feeling lasts a second. _

_ Maybe two. _

_And when she spins toward me, she has positioned my baby nephew between my arms, in her own. _

_My throat fills with bile, my heart feels like it beating out of my chest, my skin tingles. I am staring at him._

_Maura sees me and goes white. "Oh, God." She pulls her hand from underneath him and covers his chest. She covers the dried red stain. _

_She covers the blood that only I see. _

_She reaches behind me and grabs the discarded clean shirt and lays it over his torso, covering his skin. _

_"Jane. Jane… look. He is ok. It's just the sauce, remember?" She sits him upright facing me, shirt still held in place by her hand. "Jane touch him…." I can't move. She thrusts the child into my chest. She holds him in place because my arms don't move. She presses her body against his back, wrapping him up between us. "Feel him breathe, Jane." _

_TJ fights against his position and when Maura does not move him he whimpers. She allows it. "See… look. He is ok, Jane. Look at him." I don't. _

_Maura grabs my wrist with more force than she has ever used. She puts it against TJs back. It takes some time but I wrap both of my arms around the baby. Maura steps back. My closed eyes cannot hide the terror._

_"Jane, we need to get you in to talk to someone. Seriously." _

_"I know, Maura."_

_"This isn't healthy. You are in a state of hyperarousal, any little thing is sending you into a panic episode. You need…"_

_"I know, Maura."_

_"You are going to have an episode on the job and you are going to not be able to react and get shot or worse and I really think…"_

_"I KNOW, MAURA" I startle TJ. Maura's mouth hangs open. "I heard you the first two times, and the three thousand before that." _

_"I am only trying to protect you, Jane."_

_"Protect me? Protect me? I don't need your protection, Maura! I am fine!" I am out of breath and gritting my teeth. _

_Maura looks chastised. "Jane…"_

_"Just stop it. Ok? I'll go to your shrink, I'll play the game. I'll go talk about how my parents didn't love me enough or how I wasn't potty trained soon enough, or whatever, and I'll get it over with. What I don't need is you treating me like a child for every damn hiccup along the way!"_

_She cuts her eyes at me. "You are transferring aggression."_

_"Jesus Christ, Maur. Just…. Drop it. Ok? Let's go eat." I turn to the door, situating TJ on my hip. I don't hear her footsteps so I turn back._

_"I'll be down in a minute." She ducks her head and moves toward the bathroom. She is about to cry. I don't have the energy or empathy to comfort her. So I leave. _

_"Where is Maura, honey? The bread is getting cold."_

_"She is uh… I don't know… go find her if you want her."_

_"Jane Clement…."_

_"Jesus, you too? She is crying in the bathroom, Ma, because I am an asshole! If you want her then go get her!" There are four pairs of eyes on me including TJs. None of them are pleased._

_"Janie, what the hell?" Frankie._

_"Yea Janie… what the hell?" Tommy._

_"Oh for the love of…" I hand TJ off to Tommy. "I'm done." And I walk out of Maura's house. _

_It is three hours before I see her again. I turned my phone off. But they probably didn't try to call anyway. She barges through the doors of the Dirty Robber and spots me. I see her sigh in relief. She stalks over to my table. _

_"You are drunk." I only look at her. "Well thank God you didn't try driving anywhere like before. Get up, we are going home." She grabs me by the crook of the arm but I pull away. "Jane, let's go."_

_"I'm staying here."_

_"No you are not."_

_"Yes I am." She stands straighter. _

_"Then give me your keys. You can call a cab."_

_"I'm not drunk, Maura. I haven't had one beer." She exhales. She sits across from me and we are silent for minutes. _

_ "Do I have PTSD, Maur?" She takes a deep breath across the table._

_"I don't know."_

_"Yes you do."_

_She sighs. "I think you are showing signs of it, yes. But it is normal, Jane. It is just your brain's method of coping with what has happened. I'd venture to say that a lot of people are affected by that day."_

_"I'm crazy"_

_"You are not. You are not crazy."_

_A few minutes pass. "I thought I had seen everything." _

_"We will get through this, Jane. You know that. The worst is over." I nod. _

_"What if it dont? Get through it. What if I never get them out of my head?"_

_"Sweetheart, you will." She sits across from me and reaches across the table and lays her hands down, palms up. I don't take them right away. "This is ugly. And it's hard. And it is going to stick with you for a while. And I wish I knew what to say to you. I really do. But I don't. And I hate that I don't."_

_I smile. She grins and I take her hands, staring at them. Memorizing them. "Huh… Maura speechless? There's a first time for everything." _


	7. Chapter 7

A/N: Hello Jennifer B Taylor, Xx-the 99th-xX, thestraw-hat, MiA the ReD, Vez87, Lalalalee, Fenway03, Tenaji, Simahoyo, and Regina Rizzoli-Isles! Oh, and all of your Guest reviewers! It was great to hear from you guys! This is the Wednesday update a little early. The winter weather has me working overtime so I wanted to be early rather than late, especially since the reviews were so positive about the last chapter. I hope you guys enjoy. And, as promised, there is some intro to rizzles in this chapter. I hope it does not disappoint and it can only get better from here.

Thank you all for taking the time to read my little story. Writing, for me, has always been cathartic and to have people enjoy the product is incredible.

Let me know what you think!

Oh! and there is a certain quote from a television show that has always been my favorite. If you find it and think you know where it came from tell me!

Enjoy...

* * *

"We are NOT cancelling again!"

"My family. My decision."

"My house!"

"Ok then I will drive to MY apartment and uninvite them."

"Damn it, Jane, stop!"

"Maura. You stop. You are pissed because I don't want MY family over for dinner. They have come every other Sunday. I don't feel well. I want to rest."

"You want to hide!" My icy stare would normally send her gaze to the floor. Today she reflects it.

"From what exactly?" I snarl.

"From everything. We were doing so well and… and now you are withdrawing. I don't understand."

"WE weren't doing anything. I am the one in therapy."

"Oh, ok, Jane. Let's start that fight again."

"Mind your own business, Maura."

"You are my business." I love that.

"It's my family. Not yours. Don't take out on me the fact that you are short of some family dinner quota." Maura's mouth falls open. That hurt. "Ah, shit… Maura I didn't mean…"

"COWARD. That's what you are. You are a coward and you are running away. From all of us."

"Coward? You're calling me a coward?" I stand from the couch and stalk up to her. "You want to call someone a coward, how about you look at the person who hides behind dead people? What, Maur? Too scary to connect with the living?" Her fists clench and she breathes deeply. If she were anyone else I would think she wants to hit me.

My heart is in my stomach.

"Jane…" It is a warning.

"What Maura? You can only dish it out?"

"I am trying to help you…"

"Well STOP. Stop trying to help." I turn from her and regain my place on her sofa. She walks to stand in front of me.

"I will not."

"No one asked you to try to fix me." I can't look at her.

"I'm not trying to fix you, Jane. You aren't broken. But you are running." Her voice has calmed. I'd prefer her to yell. Angering Maura hurts me less than hurting Maura.

"I don't run."

"The hell you don't. Why don't you want to have dinner with them tonight?"

"Jesus… with the dinner. Because I don't, ok? Because Ma nags. Tommy is a pig. Frankie only wants to talk about work, and TJ…" I can't.

"TJ reminds you of her." My eyes snap up to meet hers.

"You don't know anythi….."

"Yes I do. You see her. Everytime. I watch you. When you look at him I watch you. And you see her. You can't even hold him anymore. He was crying for you last Sunday and you washed dishes. Twice to be exact." Her words take my breath away and I look to the far wall. "I have a dishwasher. One that you have used many times."

"Yea. Ok. You found me out. Congratulations Dr. Isles."

"Stand up, Jane." No. "Stand UP, Jane."

"What, you want to fight me?"

"I have never wanted to hit someone so much in my life, but no, I would never fight you." I stand, arms crossed. "You are running. You are flailing. And you need family. So stop running. Face this head on like you have faced every other horrible thing that has happened to you."

"I don't want to deal with this and I don't want to deal with you right now."

"Tough."

"Maura…" A warning of my own.

"No. I know why you are doing what you are doing, Jane, and I am sorry that you feel that you have to. But I am asking you to stop. I'm begging you. Stop running. Stop hiding. Look at that boy and you count your lucky stars that he is not her. Because he isn't. He never will be. You hold him and you kiss his head and instead of seeing all the ways he is like her, you force yourself to see all the ways that he will never be. Brown hair, not black. Green eyes, not brown. Happy, smiling, breathing little boy. That you love. And that you have watched grow. And you see that he is not her and you hug him a little tighter and you tell him that you love him and you will never run. You will never run from him."

I bite my lip too hard. She has never sounded so disappointed.

"Why are you doing this, Maura? Why are you… pushing… so hard?"

"Because I love you, Jane. Can you not see that? I love you. So much. And I refuse to let you take yourself away from me. Away from us. Because first its TJ. Then it's the rest of your family. Then it's me. You withdraw into a shell and you become someone else… you become no one. And I lose you. And I am not losing you. No matter how much you try. We need each other. You need me. And you know I need you. I love you."

Nothing in my life has felt like this. Elation. Fear. Defeat.

"You don't need me, Maura."

"Oh…priceless! Priceless, Jane. You are right. I don't need you. I don't love you. I didn't love you the night in the ravine when you refused to leave me. I didn't love you when you came running out of the elevator at the hospital or when you sat and held my hand by her bedside. I didn't love you at all when you laid next to me and told me about getting married on the pitcher's mound in a Sox jersey. I surely didn't love you when you were the only person I could touch after that night with Dennis. Oh and do you know when I loved you least of all? Five months ago when I heard you fighting to take me off of the case. I haven't wanted to kiss you every day since that moment and tell you how much I love that you try to protect me. How much I love that you care about me. How much I need you in my life." She is out of breath and the sound fills the room. "I have held you every night since that case. And every night I tell myself that this is it. That I am going to do it. And every night I look at you and feel selfish for wanting more. For needing more. For burdening you with my feelings. But you are all I've ever wanted. And Maura doesn't get all she has ever wanted. So I have settled for being… whatever we are. But I can't even call it settling because you are the best thing that has ever happened to me. And that isn't settling. But if being a friend means letting you walk away and hoping that you find your way back to me… well then I can't just be a friend. I need you Jane. And you need me. So please. Please. Don't run."

I have never heard anything more beautiful. My ability to think… my ability to feel, they stop. I stare at her and watch the tears streak down her cheeks. Her chest heaves and her mouth is parted. Her eyes… hopeful. Just like I have seen before.

But I do run. I push her hopeful eyes out of my head. Because it's a mistake for her to love me. She just doesn't know it yet. But any of the others would agree. Jane Rizzoli. Obsessed with her work. Stubborn. Selfish. A mistake. So I do the one thing she asked me not to. I run. I glance to her one more time and her bright eyes turn dark.

I didn't even close the door behind me.

R&IR&IR&IR&IR&I

"Jane, its lovely to see you again!" I want to hit her.

"It's lovely to see a patient who calls for an emergency session because her life is turning to shit?"

"Well I guess if you put it that way..." She studies me. Like always. "Have I done something to make you angry, Jane?"

"No but anger is my go-to emotion when my life is going to hell so I'd appreciate it if you could just go along with it."

She nods. "Ok. What happened?" I stand and pace.

"She loves me."

"…who?"

"Oh really? You have been playing Susie match-maker since our first session and now you can't remember which woman in my life might have professed her undying devotion?"

"Maura told you she loves you?" Her voice squeaks in excitement but she clears her throat when I narrow eyes at her.

"Smooth... What the hell am I going to do?"

"What do you mean what are you going to do? What DID you do?"

"I left!"

"You left?!"

"I LEFT."

"Oh, Jane."

"I know."

"What happened?"

"You tell me! I just left. I couldn't tell her I don't love her. I couldn't see that look in her eyes."

I swallow past the bitter words.

"So… you don't have feelings for Maura?"

"Oh, for Christ's sake, of course I do! Try to follow along, woman!"

"Ok. Ok. Jane. Take a breath and sit down." I obey. "Maura loves you… I got that. Had that for a while…" I flare my nose. "Sorry. So do you or do you not have romantic feelings for her?"

I chew on my bottom lip.

"I…uh… I adore her. She…" She saves me. She compliments me. She loves me. "She's my best friend. I'd die for her." I find my responses surprisingly inadequate. I take a deep shaky breath. "I don't just have feelings for her, Doc. She is every feeling I have ever had."

That came out too easily. I fall back, spent.

"Go on."

"I haven't allowed myself to even consider anything beyond friendship for a very long time. She is straight…WE are straight. And she is so sophisticated and... She is Fenway…ok? And I'm a rec player. I can go to Fenway and watch but I know I'll never be playing on that field. I've been content to accept her as my incredible best friend because…because… you don't dream of the majors when you get cut from little league. Because the dream will never come true and it hurts. So I didn't dream of it. I didn't think of it. Sure, I can still love the game with all of my heart. I can love everything about it. I can love what it teaches and what it stands for. I can love just having been a part of it. I can love when it wears less make-up than normal and looks incredibly sexy, or when it puts on that perfume. It smells like a stripper but in a good way…" I have to shake my head to refocus. "But what I can't do is dream to play in the majors when I'll never even make it to the minors. I'm the kid who throws the ball to third with no runners on. And Maura is…Maura. Don't you see?"

She is rubbing her temples.

"Let's try something else… Jane why are you afraid of loving Maura?"

"I'm not afraid of loving Maura! How did you get that from what I just said?"

"Ah. My mistake. I'll try again… Jane, what the hell are you afraid of?"

I think for a minute. "I'm afraid that I'm drafted first round. And they cut me."

She nods, leaning back. "You are afraid that Maura stops loving you."

Hearing the words hurt in places I didn't know existed. I nod. "I always screw it up. Always. My job gets in the way… I… I get in the way. I've screwed it up with everybody. And I don't want to screw it up with her. I don't remember what it was like before her. I don't want to."

She leans forward and takes both of my hands in hers. "Jane, sweetie. You are right. You can't get cut if you never try out for the team. But you know what else you can't do?" I look at her through my lashes. "If you never try out, you never get to hit the walk-off to win the series."

Nothing has ever made more sense. Or been more terrifying.

"But I am afraid that we are best as best friends. That's what works. It has worked for years. And if we try to be something else then it won't be Rizzoli and Isles anymore. And I know her faults and she knows mine. We can't cover them like you are supposed to do in the beginning of a relationship. And we argue. She gets on my nerves and I am too pushy and sarcastic. What if the butterflies die and we don't enjoy being around each other?" I look at her hands on mine. "'If she leaves me… I'll lose… everything."

_I sleep with her shirt every night. The smell is barely there but if I bury my face deep enough… Her prom picture is taped to my mirror. The one with her and Jacob. She spent more time with me that night than she did with him. It was the best night. She said that I could visit her at college. And I believed her. And the night she said goodbye… We were on my floor, watching our favorite movie. I had been crying. She had too. We had been best friends for three years. Roommates on all of our sports trips. Inseparable during the summers. She had a key to my parents' house. And as we laid on my floor I couldn't help but think that it didn't have to change. The only difference would be the miles. But the miles couldn't ruin us. The night she said goodbye I turned the tv off. The sound of our post-crying breathing filled the room. I laid on my side, my back to her. She asked me if she could hold me. I felt like my heart was going to explode. But I let her. Of course I let her. I never wanted anything more. The night she said goodbye she held me for the first time. Her arm slipped around my waist and I felt her warm breath on my neck. I couldn't hear anything but the beating of my heart but I could feel. I did feel. I felt her mouth, hot and shaking, on my neck. And I cried. The night she said goodbye was the first time she said she loved me. It was also the last. I said 'I love you' exactly 16 times to her. Mostly while begging her to be the person she was. To not change. To not leave me. We were best friends for three years. Inseparable. And three weeks after she told me she loved me, she was gone. I wasn't a college kid. I wasn't new and exciting. I wasn't enough. And I would have given anything to stay the same. I would have given anything to go back and be just her best friend… to go back to how we were on the night she said goodbye._

_R&IR&IR&IR&IR&I_

_The first guy I had sex with was supposed to be the love of my life. He was supposed to be my husband and the father of my children and I was supposed to grow old with him. The first guy I had sex with was supposed to be the last. But the first guy I had sex with was a guy I knew for seven months. He was everything that Amber was not. He was not warm. He was not gentle. He was not my best friend. And that is what I loved the most about him. He didn't ever have enough of me to hurt me. Until the night that he told me he loved me. There were candles in his room. His parents were out of town. I was supposed to be at the movies. And he told me that he loved me and that he always had. That I was the one. And I wanted to hurt her. I wanted her to think that I had moved on. And I didn't want to hurt him. Because I remember how that felt. So I gave in. And I gave myself to him. It was quick and awkward and rough. But it was a connection. One that I had been missing for almost a year. He wanted me. And I wanted someone to want me. It wasn't until his phone calls stopped that I realized that he didn't want me. He wanted what he got. And once I gave it, he was gone. _

_R&IR&IR&IR&IR&I_

_He asked me to marry him. Sort of. In a bar. A marriage proposal should be romantic and you should be overwhelmed with love and joy. But I knew better. He wanted a reason to not go back. To not re-enlist. And I was convenient. I did love Casey. I do love Casey. But it isn't a love that sustains a marriage… a family. I was never able to give myself to him. Other than physically. The things that matter… I couldn't give. I can't give. And when I told him that I could not marry him… that I would not marry him… my decision was reaffirmed. He was angry and bitter and mean. He yelled. I yelled. I begged him to stay, to not go back. He begged me to say yes. Neither conceded. I am a workaholic who is incapable of giving. I am cold and unforgiving and sarcastic and stubborn. He hates all of those things about me. And I was unwilling to change. For him. _

"I don't know that I have what it takes to make her happy… in that way, Doc. Emotionally. I am afraid that I won't be enough. That I won't be what she needs. I am scared to fail. To fail her. And I am scared that when she realizes that I can't be everything, she will want nothing."

"That's very vulnerable and honest of you, Jane. And it is a real concern that I think you have to speak with her about. Maybe she has the same fears."

"Why can't everything just stay the same?" I throw my hand up dramatically. Exasperated. "Does this ever work? Friends becoming….more?"

She smiles.

"Well, it seems to me that the best relationships, the ones that last, are frequently the ones that are rooted in friendship. One day you look at the person and you see something more than you did the night before. Like a switch has been flipped somewhere. And the person who was just a friend is suddenly… the only person that you can ever imagine yourself with. The only person you could ever love." I sit back. Deflated. "You are getting the nod to the bullpen, Jane. What are you going to do?"

I close my eyes and lean my head back on her sofa. "You realize that I hate you, right?"

"I've made note of it. But Jane… if you give yourself to her…when you give yourself to anyone, you want it to be the best possible you. A healthy you. You learn from your past. It does not define you. And all of these people that you think were mistakes, all of these reasons that you have not to love… maybe they were the right turns. And maybe this is right where you are supposed to be."


	8. Chapter 8

A/N: Ok so is it ridiculous to feel like I have 15 new best friends for catching my X-Files reference? You guys are awesome. And I am loving the reviews and follows. And you guys have been so kind that it makes me want to update early. So I did! Happy Sunday update day!

And... here is the rizzles chapter I have been promising. Be kind. And enjoy.

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I drive the whole way to Maura's in a haze. Not remembering traffic signals or turns. I am thinking about what I am going to say but everything sounds like it is out of a romance novel and that makes me want to puke. Even if it is true. I left her yesterday. Alone in her house. Without an explanation. And I have avoided her all day. I was in the elevator at least 6 times to go down and see her but each time I stepped out just before the doors closed. I didn't know what to say and I still don't. But I know I want to see her. What I'm not sure of is if she wants to see me.

_I stop by to get coffee after my appointment and see her in the corner talking to Ma. Maura's back is to me, her head down, both of her hands wrapped around her cup. Ma cuts her eyes at me and Maura looks back. She looks only for a second. The look breaks what is left of my heart. She stands, hugs my mother, and walks toward me. I half expect her to yell. I half expect myself to kiss her. But she places a hand on my arm in passing and smiles shyly. The softness of her touch gives me chills. I graze her fingers as she pulls away. _

_"Can we…talk? Later, I mean?" She nods and gives me a small smile. A smile that doesn't reach her eyes. But reassures me more than anything ever has. "Robber?" She scrunches her nose. "Ok, your house?" She nods, smiling softly, and walks away from me. I breathe deeply through my mouth as I watch her hair sway with her steps, my hand still holding my arm where her fingers just left. When I turn back I flinch. Ma is inches from me, arms crossed, face set. And pissed. _

_"Not now, Ma, please?" I try to step past her. I should know better. _

_"What did you do?" 'What didn't I do' is a better question._

_"What did she tell you?"_

_"Nothing! That's how I know it's something!"_

_"Come on, Ma. Its none of your business." She purses her lips, her eyes mere slits._

_"I don't know what is going on with you two. But fix it." She huffs and walks past me. I drop my head, defeated but one second later I am thrown forward. Ma's arms wrap around me, her cheek presses against my shoulder blade. "I love you, baby. Whatever you did, she will forgive you. We missed you last night." I spin in her arms._

_"You still went to Maura's? For family dinner?" _

_She nods. "She called to cancel and said that you got called to a scene but everything was already made so we went anyway. Good thing, Maura looked like hell. Worst case of the hives I have ever seen. And it was odd… every time I mentioned you she excused herself to her room." Ma sounds innocent but her look is anything but. _

_I look guilty. I feel it. And my cheeks are warming. "I'll fix it, Ma. I promise."_

_"That's my girl." She kisses my cheek and walks past me. And I feel as bad as I'm sure I look. _

_I forgo the coffee and make my way to the office. The rest of the day is spent forcing the thought of Maura from my mind. _

My brakes grind to a halt on the street in front of her house and I run in, ignoring the doorbell. Formalities left our relationship a long time ago. I find her in the first place I look. Her closet. Surrounded by shoe boxes. A glass of red wine at her side.

"Maur?" She is looking to her lap. Unfazed by my interruption.

"Proper dusting prevents sinus inflammation, eye irritation, and bronchial infections." She has been crying. I hear it in her voice.

I forget that it has been a whole day since I have heard that voice. I smile and sit beside her. "Need any help?"

She shakes her head and drops the shoe to her lap. "Already dusted each. Twice." I find my hand on her knee.

"I'm sorry, Maur."

"It's ok, Jane. Really. I shouldn't have said what I did. Especially not like that. It wasn't fair." I'm confused. "I cornered you. I screamed at you. It wasn't fair. Really can we just… can we forget it? Please? Go back to the way things were?" I want to touch her. I want to tell her. I want to hold her. But I don't. I don't know why.

"How long…have you felt this way?"

"You don't want to know."

I realize that my thumb is trailing over her skin when she looks at my hand. She straightens her leg, ridding it of my touch. As quickly as I try to replace it she is moving away from me, pushing her back against the side wall. The boxes are now between us. A barrier.

"Why didn't you tell me sooner, Maur?"

"When would have been a fitting time?" She sounds defeated. Sad. "After Hoyt? After Dennis? After you shot yourself? After Casey? Which would you have preferred? When in our friendship could I have told you and you believed me? When could I have told you and it seemed like it wasn't some show of sympathy or pity?" She meets my eyes and she is full of emotion. Her makeup is not perfect. Her hair is pulled back. She is in workout clothes. And she looks heartbroken. She takes my breath away.

"You…You are right."

"I have wanted so many nights to hold you and kiss you and tell you everything. But I have been terrified. You know I am not good with emotion as it is and to have so many… so many things that I needed to express in the right way… it was too daunting. And you aren't exactly a welcome wagon for emotional revelations. So I just made myself available and hoped that you would see it or feel it or ask me so that I couldn't lie. Or that you would just grow to feel what I felt. But… it never happened. And I feel like a fool, Jane. And I wouldn't blame you if you were angry that I kept it from you. But I didn't do it like this on purpose. I didn't mean to fall for you, Jane."

I want to touch her. To kiss her. But I don't trust that I will stop so I move away. And press my back against the far wall. The whole room is between us. "I don't blame you for anything, Maura. I'm not easy to talk to. I'm not great with words or emotions… I'm stubborn…"

"You are beautiful. You are intelligent. You are passionate. You are strong. You are the best person I have ever known. Be kinder to yourself." I smile and nod my head. She is inspecting her fingers and I am watching her. She opens her mouth several times to speak but shakes her head and silences herself. I feel her struggle.

"Ask me." She shakes her head and blinks back her emotion. "Maur…"

At the sound of her name she shuts her eyes tight and speaks. "You left."

"I'm an asshole."

"I didn't mean to make you leave. You were upset and this whole year has been hard and you just needed support. I didn't do…"

"I'm scared, Maur." She looks up at me but does not speak. "That's why I left. I'm scared that you will change your mind. That I'll allow myself to feel what I have been pushing away. And you will leave." She takes a deep breath and her watery eyes widen. "I'm not good at loving people. And I am afraid I won't be good at loving you. And I'll push you away. I'll make you miserable. I'll choose work, I'lI…I'll lose you. I can't lose you."

Maura stands, smoothes her skirt, and stops in front of me. I avoid her eyes. She pulls me up, hugging me. Her left hand cradles my head, keeping me close to her, and her right is rubbing up and down my back. I wrap both of my hands around her back and she shudders. I feel it course through my body. My body reacts to her gentleness, her warmth. And I begin to cry again. Or maybe I never stopped. She feels my sharp intake of air and her hands find the sides of my face. She is a breath away.

"Maur…" It is a plea. For her to stop. To let me stay safe and warm in our friendship. To never give her a reason to leave me. But she moves closer.

Her warm breath falls across my face as her thumbs smooth over my red cheeks. "Shhh." My eyes flutter closed at her soft sound and the last sight I see is her hazel eyes slipping shut.

I part my lips instinctively and feel her thumb ghost over my bottom lip just a second before her lips are on mine. Her mouth is warm and slow and wet and my body tenses.

"No." She stills. I pull back. "I can't..."

"Sshhh." Her whisper is warm against my face. I feel her nose brush against mine and she pulls me in. Harder than before.

I forget to breathe.

She turns my head to the left and hers falls to the right, her mouth ghosts over mine. She opens and closes, taking my bottom lip in hers. I moan at the feeling of her tongue sliding slowly over my lip. She drags her teeth along the same spot and I feel her begin to pull away. Instictively, reflexively, I reach up. My hands are on either side of her, pulling her into me. Her whimper sends a chill through my body. She braces herself with one hand on the wall behind me and pushes me back. Her eyes flutter closed again as she presses her body flush with mine. Her right hand drops to my hip and pulls me in tighter then slides back up to tangle in my hair. She bites at my bottom lip and soothes it with her tongue. I do the same.

I hear her second moan. It is soft and delicate. But wanting. I push my tongue into her mouth slowly and feel hers glide over mine. Her soft moan turns to a quiet whimper. She is soft. And gentle. Just as I imagined. But she is needing and I can feel her passion in the way she takes her time. The way she allows me to change our pace.

I relish in the feeling of her warmth. Her breath on me. Her scent. I cannot help myself but to try to deepen the kiss. I wanted more. Of her. I run my fingers down her cheek, her jawline, and across the corner of her mouth. I drag my fingernails down the side of her neck. Softly. And wrap my hand around the back. My mouth is quick over hers and she returns the pace. Her tongue glides over mine and she pulls my lip into her mouth. The taste of her fills my senses and my chest burns with a lack of air. As if on cue she breaks from me, leaning her forehead against mine, breathing deeply, eyes closed. I pull her in again and kiss her softly, making my way from her mouth, across her cheek, to her ear.

"Maur." My voice comes out as a growl. She nods.

"I know." We catch our breath leaning against the other. I lick my lips and run my teeth over my bottom lip just as she had done. I relive it.

"Do it again."

I find her eyes and they are unsure, searching. "You sure?" I answer by pushing her against the far wall. My mouth is on her neck, her jaw, her shoulder. I hear her fingernails on the wall above her head before she drops her hand to my neck, holding me in place. Her eyes are closed tight and her breathing is quick. I want more of her. All of her. My fingers pull at the hem of her shirt and drag across her abdomen.

"Hey hey hey… woah." Her breath is ragged and her voice hoarse. She pushes my hands down her torso and puts her hands against my chest. "Talk… Living room." I shake my head and move in, wanting to feel her under my mouth again. But she ducks down and from beneath my grasp. I taught her that. Biggest mistake ever. She stands in the doorway of her closet. "Out of the bedroom. Now." She scolds me but looks flustered. She needs the direction as much as I do. I straighten my shirt and follow her. Instead of walking straight to her living room she turns toward the kitchen. I sit on her sofa and make out the sounds of her fixing a glass of wine and taking a beer out of her refrigerator. When she returns she hands me the beer and clutches the wine, sitting so close that her leg rests against mine. She sees my fingers reach toward our only point of contact and jumps up, sitting across from me on her table. "We need to talk."

"Ok."

"I shouldn't have done that. I shouldn't have kissed you."

I smile. "I kissed you back."

"Yes." She returns the smile. "You did."

"I'm sorry I left, Maura." Her face drops. I've reminded her of the hurt.

"Its ok. I under…."

"I don't think you do, though."

She is on her feet, wine on the table. "I do. I was too much. Too needy. I…I…I should have waited until… until all of this was over. I just... I was so frustrated… with you." She looks at me. "I'm sorry but I was. And I just wanted you to stop fighting and stop running. And I thought just for a minute that if I gave you a reason not to run then you might not. Because I have to fight so hard for you to let me back in. And I miss you. When you withdraw I miss you, so much. After you shot yourself, Jane, you stopped answering your phone. I was with you every night in the hospital until you were released. And then you didn't want to see me. You refused to come here to recover. You wanted to handle things alone. You ran." She sits on the table in front of me again. "But we made it through that. There have been so many things that have come between us but each just makes us stronger. It makes me want to fight harder. And its terrifying but wonderful. Its wonderful to love someone that much. To love you that much. And I just wanted to share that with you. To ask you to let me. But Jane, I will be ok. If this is not what you want, I will be ok. We can go back to how we were."

It seems that all I have done for months is cry. I wipe at the familiar tears and take her hands, brushing my thumbs over her fingers. "Maura…" She raises her eyebrows, still hopeful. "I don't want to go back." Her eyes sparkle with unshed tears.

"You don't?"

I don't answer. But she lets me stand her and step her around the table. I put my right hand on her cheek, learning the lines of her smile, the shape of her eyes. My left hand is on her right hip, pushing, walking her backward into her bedroom. Her hands clench the fabric of my shirt. When her legs hit the foot of her bed, in one movement she is on her back and I'm holding myself above her. I've never seen her this… hot. She looks up at me, eyes wide, mouth open, and flushed. I lower myself to one elbow and run my other hand along her side as our lips meet again. She is hungrier, quicker, and her body writhes beneath me. I feel her fingernails through my shirt on my back. I work to slow our pace. Each kiss lasting longer than the last. Each more meaningful. Each conveying what I haven't yet told her. I leave one more lingering kiss on her swollen lips and pull back. Her eyes are shut, her mouth parted, her breathing shallow. I have to look away to concentrate.

"When the last thing I saw was you running toward me in front of the BRIC when I shot Marino. When you hugged me so tight it took my breath away right after we found you with Rockmond. When you gave up Tommy for me. The way you looked at me after Casey proposed. The morning I woke up to you sleeping beside me. The day I came home to find you sleeping with TJ on your chest. The moment I thought you hated me after what happened in the warehouse. Yesterday in my counselor's office. And every second since then."

A tear slips from her eye and treks across her temple. I lean down and kiss her cheek then her jaw, pausing at her ear.

"Those are the times I knew I loved you."


	9. Chapter 9

A/N: I am so glad that you guys liked the first of many rizzles chapters! I love the reviews and follows. Now...we need to have a heart to heart. This story is pretty long. As I said before, I have it all written out already, and there are a few more struggles but a few more great times. So I hope that just because our girls have made it official that you aren't ready for the story to go away. But, saying that, I have taken some risks that I don't often see as being hugely popular with fanfic. But, as I said before, this story is very personal and I can only hope that I do it justice and keep you interested, if not always happy.

Now, enjoy a little bit of fluff before some drama in ch. 10. And I stand by my promise in chapter 1, I always write a happy ending. So eventhough you know the destination, I hope you enjoy the journey.

I appreciate your support and hope to hear from you!

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_Her left hand is as high on my thigh as possible, right in the bend where it meets my hip. Her fingernails are digging into my skin. Her right hand is leaving a claw mark down my left shoulder blade. I'm holding myself above her, only dipping my head to kiss her. She tries to pull me down but I don't move, having braced myself on either side of her. She pulls herself up off of the mattress using my body. Our chests touching. I bite her bottom lip harder than I should but she doesn't pull back. I'm torn between my desire to feel her and my need to look at her, so I do both. I learn the feel of her mouth, the taste of her, and when my body screams for reassurance I pull back and find her eyes. She allows me the distance, catching her breath. When she opens her eyes, I grab the crook of her right elbow with my left hand and swiftly pull it from my back. She falls back to the mattress, eyes dark. I pull her left hand above her head and lay it over her right, holding it in place with my own. I lower my body until most of my weight rests on her. My free hand finds the same place on her hip that she just occupied on mine and I am dangerously close to no return. I feel that her skirt has ridden up much higher than modest. Her hair has come loose and is in waves around her, her blouse is unkempt and wrinkled. And my body screams to kiss her again. I loosen my grip on her hands but she keeps hold of the sheet she has bunched in her palms. I move to the part of her neck that gives me the most reaction, right behind her jaw and below her ear. She smells like Maura. And it smells amazing. Her mouth falls to my ear and her breath is quick. _

_"Jane"_

_I whimper at the sound of my name._

_"Jane"_

_I bite her skin and she moans, writhing beneath me._

_"Jane…"_

"Jane… JANE!" Frost.

"Jesus…why are you yelling?"

"I've been calling you for five minutes." I look flushed… I feel it. I straighten my shirt for no reason. Frost watches me. I meet his eyes and raise an eyebrow.

"Can I help you, Frost?"

"You alright?" Nope. Not gonna happen.

"Oh spare me the girl talk? What do you need?"

He holds his hands up in surrender. "Woah. I just wanted to know if Maura got the GSW kit back from our last victim."

"How would I know? Why would I know before you? Why would you ask me?" Ugh, awesome. Way to look innocent. His eyes narrow suspiciously.

A third voice sounds in the room. "Oh is that the case from Sunday?" Both of our heads snap toward the voice… Frankie… who is toying with items on Korsak's desk. Frost looks back at me, confused. Before my eyes can shush him he turns back to my brother.

"We didn't have a case Sunday…" Frankie nods his head but he doesn't look up.

"Huh…" He meets my eyes and walks straight past me. "Interesting."

I shake my head but turn and run after him, catching him just a few feet outside of the office.

"Frankie…café…" He keeps walking.

"Nah, I'll pass."

I grab his arm from behind. "Frankie…café…now." He spins out of my grasp.

"You can do whatever you want with your life, Jane. But to get Dr. Isles to lie for you? Honestly… you think we don't know what's going on? I know something has been…off for a while. But you don't go lying to family, Jane. And you don't make Maura…"

"I didn't get her to lie for me! I didn't ask her to do that."

"Oh you want us to believe she did that on her own? I don't believe that for…"

"Yes! Because that's what happened. She did it on her own!" I don't even think about what I am saying, the position I am putting her in.

He looks at me and moves in closer. "Well I don't know what's worse. You making her lie, or her thinking that she has to." It's true. She lied to protect me. To make it easier for me. She thought it would keep them from questioning me.

"Frankie…just…I'll explain everything, ok? I promise. Just give me a little while." I grab his shoulders. "I'll make it up to you. And Ma. I promise." His face softens.

"You better." He punches my shoulder. As I watch him walk away, I sigh then turn back toward the office. Frost is standing just inside the door, arms crossed, smirking.

"Jesus…what now?"

"You are gettin' it on, aren't you?"

"WHAT?" Incredulous. Ridiculous. Irrelevant.

"Booty call. Horizontal Hula. Freakin. Doin' the dirty. Want me to continue?" I am horrified. I think Maura can hear him three floors down.

"Shut the… what the hell, Frost? No. No I am not...doin…the dirty…what?"

He smiles. I hate him. "It all makes sense. You bailed on your family. Made up some case about work. Daydreaming all day. And that explains Maura's mood yesterday." I am prepared for vehement denial until that last statement.

"No…Maura's mood? What?"

"She was upset all day yesterday. Tried to pretend like she wasn't crying when I went to check on the kit." My heart breaks all over again. But I'm not understanding his point.

"Wait, what does that have to do with me sleeping with someone?"

"Ha! So you are!" Damn it.

"Damn it, Frost. No. Answer my question." He is smiling but when I threaten him with an eyebrow raise he drops the smile.

"Oh, are we still pretending that no one knows that she is in love with you?" My heart stops.

"What?"

"And I thought I had you figured out, too… who is he?" The look on his face makes me want to tell him. If I am going to tell anyone I want it to be him. But I'm not ready. And I don't know if she is, either. So I compromise.

"Ugh…ok. You are partly right. And I admit that only because I pretty much trained you and can't have you thinking I did a bad job. So there is someone. But I am not doing any of those vial things that you mentioned. We haven't had sex yet. I mean we came damn close but… anyway when I am ready to tell you more I will tell you. Got it?" He glows but puts his hands in front of him in mock surrender.

"Hey, message received." Thank God. We both try to busy ourselves with computer work. I want to see Maura. More than anything. But I don't trust myself.

"Let's go see if Maura has those results." He nods and follows behind me. We are silent in the elevator and in the halls. As we approach the morgue I steady my breathing. If I am not ready to tell Frost, I sure as hell am not going to let my body do it for me. Slow in and slow out. Don't look at her lips. Don't look at her legs. Don't look… ok just don't look anywhere near her. Frost is just a step behind me and I see Maura, focused on a body in front of her. She takes a fleeting glance toward me when she hears the door. I move into the room and Frost slips in behind me.

"Hey Maur."

She speaks with her back to us. "Hey, sweetheart, I was hoping I would get to see…" She has spun and sees that I am not alone. "…Frost… I was hoping to get to see Frost today. And look. Here he is!" I might die.

My eyes are wide. Her eyes are wide. And when I look to Frost, his eyes are wide. His mouth is falling open and a slender finger is being pointed at me, then Maura, then back to me. His eyes follow.

"SHE is your booty call?!" Oh my God.

"Frost… shut…"

"Booty call? Jane… you said I am a booty call?"

"No I didn't say anythi…"

"I knew it! I knew you two were…"

"Stop it, Frost! Maura its not…"

"I don't fully understand that term but I would hardly call what we did…"

"Maura, stop!"

"Korsak owes me twenty bucks… I _told_ him…"

"STOP IT. Both of you!" Two sets of wide eyes are on me. One smiling, one fuming. I point my finger at Maura. "I did not say you were a booty call, Maura." And then move it to Frost. "And so help me, if there was a bet…" He grimaces and holds up his thumb and forefinger, close together.

"Small bet, Detective."

"Sit. Both of you." They oblige. "Ok. So since the universe hates me, this is apparently going to happen right now." I lock eyes with Maura. "You were partly right, Frost, about what you said earlier. Maura is the man I'm seeing… I MEAN…the person I'm…I'm seeing Mau…. I love Maura." Shit. That sounded ridiculous.

"I think what Detective Rizzoli is trying to convey…" Maura cuts in, "…is that she and I verbalized our intimate feelings for each other just yesterday. And I assume the newness of such a revelation coupled with her discomfort with all things pertaining to emotions is the reason she is on the verge of hyperventilating." I shoot a look at her.

Frost looks between the two of us. "So you two are…"

We speak in unison

"…gettin' it on?" Frost.

"… together" Me.

"… entering into a more intimate relationship." Maura.

Jesus. "Frost! …with the 'gettin' it on'!"

"Well, Jane, if by 'getting it on' he is referring to coitus then I would assume that soon…"

"…NO! Stop…"

They suppress a common smirk. Toying with me.

"You assholes…"

"Look, Jane." Frost stands and walks to me. "All sexual references aside, I am happy for you and the Doc. Really. You guys are awesome independently and you will be more awesome together. You deserve to be happy." I smile and drop my head, backhanding his arm softly. "But Frankie doesn't…?"

"No. Not yet. You were the first."

"Really?" He looks like a kid on Christmas.

"Yea. I mean I didn't expect to do it today but you were going to be the first to know anyway." He averts his eyes.

"I…uh… that's cool, Rizzoli. I… well that's cool." His lack of words tells more than any words could and we exchange glances. Maura stands and steps around Frost, kissing me on my cheek before stepping out of her office, making herself busy elsewhere. "She does that a lot, huh?" I look back to him.

"What's that?"

"She picks up on things. She has us pretty figured out. I thought it was odd that she left your drunk ass to take care of my drunk ass when I was puking in her bathroom. But I get it. She gets us."

I smile and look out of her window, spotting her. "Yea. She gets us."

His next words are rushed. "I'm proud of you, Jane." Its too quick for me to comprehend at first. He sits beside me on the desk. I contemplate my next words. They have been on the tip of my tongue for seven months.

"I want to tell you something, Frost."

"Oh no, don't be in love with me, too." I laugh. Genuinely. And hit his arm.

"Everything has been a shitstorm. Since the murders. And I know its been hard for you because its been hard for me." He nods solemnly. "It sucks. Everything about it. But we're gonna be ok. I promise. That's most likely the worst thing that either of us will go through, and we made it. We are here. And not only are we here, but the partner that I went into that house with came out as my brother. The guy who I handled cases with and liked hanging out with became one of the most important people in my life. I know we don't talk about this a lot, and trust me it makes me want to puke as much as it does you, but I saw something different in you after that, Frost. I think that all cops are heroes in their own right. We all do something selfless for someone at some point in our careers that makes a difference. But to witness it… to see how much you wanted to help those kids, to see how quickly you were willing to follow my reckless ass into a burning house…If I had to do it again, I would want you right beside me. You are a hero in my book. You always will be. And I am so proud to call you my partner."

Frost sniffs and I spare him my stare. He nods slowly.

"I was an only child." He pauses. I nudge his shoulder. "I'm not sure we have ever talked about my childhood or my parents. But I was the only child. And I was always about me. School and sports, I excelled. I was all about promoting myself, my skill. I didn't try to hurt other people or anything, I was just out there for me. I came to homicide thinking that it would look good on a resume' if I ever wanted to go FEDS. And I never was sexist, my mom was a single parent and was my hero, she could do anything. But when I found out they partnered me with you I thought that I would be doing the saving. I thought I'd be doing the running into houses. But, you wouldn't let me do any of that crap." We laugh again. "You are so stubborn and reckless, and fearless. It scares me sometimes. But you make me rise to the challenge. And if anything ever happened to you, I wouldn't be able to live with myself. When we walk onto a scene I'm looking at _your_ angles and_ your_ blind spots and _your_ peripheral. You have given me something more than myself to be out here for. And that's more rewarding than you can imagine. And uh…when um…" My jaw tightens with his struggle. "When my mom died I had no one. You…changed that." I stand and pull him into a tight hug. When he pulls back I squeeze his shoulders and punch him playfully in the chest. I wipe my face dry.

"You better get back into the gym. You're getting' soft on me." He smirks and I wink at him. "Come on, let's get out of the dungeon of death." We walk side by side, putting ourselves back together before we see Maura. As we reach the door to leaved her office he stops. I do the same. I prepare myself for more vulnerability, more honesty.

"So you and Dr. Isles, huh?" I nod. "For a whole day?" I smile and nod again. "So why exactly haven't you put it on her?"

"Put it. On her?" I raise my eyebrows and annunciate each word crisply, marking my distaste.

"Yea, laid it down...did the deed…put it on her..." I'm going to kill him. With my bare hands.

"Oohhh, 'put it on her'…" I lick my lips and smile seductively. My voice sultry. "How about this…when it happens, and it will, you'll be the first…" I lean in close to his ear "…to not know a damn thing about it." I pull back and he chuckles. "Get outta here, ya perv." He steps out with me on his heels. "And don't look at her as you go!." Maura looks up and I grin as I see him put cup hands on either side of his eyes, tunneling his vision toward the door and away from Maura. "Say goodbye to the creep, Maur." She looks at me confused. I push him out of the swinging door and he turns around smiling. "See you upstairs, buddy." He nods.

I turn back to Maura and wrap her up in a hug.

"Are you two ok?" Without hesitation I pull her into a slow kiss. She drops her pen to wrap her hand around my tricep. When I pull back her eyes are still closed.

"Perfect."


	10. Chapter 10

_A/N: Guys... I can't even say how sorry I am that there was a break in my updating. They say that bad things come in three's and my family has definitely been hit with a trio. Long story short, there was a health scare but a few surgeries later and we are all doing ok. All that to say that, I didn't forget about you and I am not abandoning the story, I was just wrapped up in family issues and couldn't get enough time to edit and post. This was and still is a short chapter but I hope you like it. Vulnerable Jane and Protective Maura are my favorite so we will see a little more of that. And, like I said before, if you bare with the story, I think you will be happy at the end. I just hope you are happy with the in-between too. Thanks for all the support! I'd love to hear from you with what you think of the chapter and what you thought of the premier! Heartbreaking! Am I the only one that wanted to cry with Maura? Anywho... Enjoy_

* * *

_Our radios blare between the gun salute. "Headquarters to PD370" The rifles fire and I flinch. "Headquarters to PD370." The rifles fire again. I close my eyes. "Headquarters to PD370." I know what's next. My tears fall and soak into my dress blacks. _

_Cavanaugh drops his salute and takes his radio from his belt. _

_"Headquarters, PD370 is 10-7." The rifles fire again. The last time. _

_It's a last role call. That's what we call it. The last time that headquarters will ever call that radio number. It's a formal relieving of duties. _

_An officer's funeral. _

I've been yelling for so long that my voice is barely there. It's normal rasp is now a broken whisper. I've been yelling for hours, days, a month. My hands, always hidden in my pants pockets or in a jacket, ache with tension. My stomach burns with anger. Maura's mere presence makes me want to scream.

"I brought her here because I feel that she is not…handling things well. She has been destructive and self-injurious." Maura's fingers wrap around my wrist and pull my right hand from my jacket pocket. She produces my hand as if it were evidence of a crime, matter-of-factly. The dark red and purple of my skin exposed. She tries to drop my hand to her lap but I hiss when it touches the rough fabric of her pants. It hurts. I want it to hurt. But not on her terms. I pull my hand back and shove it into my jacket pocket and close my eyes at the familiar pain.

"It's none of her fucking business." They don't react. I feel them watching me.

"How long has this been going on?" I know she isn't asking me.

"Since about four days after he…" I turn away and Maura stops.

"Is she sleeping? Eating?" My blood is boiling again.

"Not…"

"I can hear you! You don't have to speak about me as if I'm not here." They look at me, eyes wide, waiting for me to continue. I have nothing else to say.

"Has she entered into the other stages of grief? Denial, bargaining?"

"Yes, very quickly, but now it is just…"

"I AM RIGHT HERE! I can speak for myself!"

"Then speak, Jane!" She yells at me. She stands and crosses her arms, moving across the room before turning around and glaring at me. Tears in her eyes. "Speak! Do something! Cry, Yell, Talk, something! I loved him, too…"

"Don't you dare. Don't do that." My teeth are gritted.

"Well I did. I do! And it hurts. It's horrible and I can't imagine…"

"You are right… you can't! You can't imagine shit because you weren't there! You don't know!" My fingernails are digging into my palm and my skin tingles with a cold sweat. I can't catch my breath. Our chests heave. We don't know what else to do.

"Then tell her, Jane. Don't hold it against her that she doesn't know what happened. Tell her." My eyes snap to her. An intrusion.

"Not now."

"Then when?! When, Jane? After you get yourself put in a hospital? After you get yourself killed avenging some vendetta? After you ruin every relationship you have with the ones who are still alive?" I refuse to look at her. She kneels in front of me and touches my thighs. "Jane…sweetheart… please help me get you through this."

I can't think about what I am about to do. If I think about it I'll quit. So I open my mouth and, for one of the first times in my life, I don't care how they see me. What they think of me.

"It wasn't supposed to happen that way." Tears are already stinging my eyes.

_I've feel like I've been watching her for an eternity. I can't get enough. Her hair is covering her pillow and her arms are thrown above her head. An hour ago they were gripping the sheets, now they are soft and relaxed. Her short fingernails are painted clear, I never understood that. But I like it on her. I am lying prone on her bed, covered by only her sheet. Her body is draped over my left side. As much as I want to be able to put words to the feeling, there are none. It's just the feeling that everything is right. That I am right where I am supposed to be. _

_It has been a month and we…celebrated…several times. After a quiet dinner, we came to bed around 9pm. It is now 3am. _

_"Six hours might just be my record." Even my ears perk at the seductiveness in my voice. I feel her smile against my shoulder._

_"Hmm… I'm glad." Her voice is sleepy. And so sexy._

_"What…that's it? 'I'm glad'? And what is your record 'Ms. marathon sex'?" I pull back to look at her but she buries a sleepy smile into my shoulder. "Oh no you don't! What is it? 8? 10?" She rolls her head back and cracks an eye open. "12? Maura… How the hell…"_

_She silences me with a pair of warm lips on my own. "I have never kept time, sweetheart. But I feel very sure that six hours is a record for us both." _

_I had something witty and sarcastic as a reply, I swear I did, but she rolls on top of me. The way she is hovering above me, lowering one part of her body at a time… whatever reply I had is long gone. _

_I slip the sheet out from under her as she lowers her hips to mine and pull it up over her shoulders. She rests her weight on me, nudging my chin with her nose. I tilt my head up and clear my throat to cover the whimper as her lips glide over my skin. She trails across my collar bone and to the front of my shoulder. She scrapes her teeth along the skin between my neck and shoulder. Her right knee pushes outward on my thigh, bending my left knee out to my side as she settles her hips between my legs. My hand has been pulled from her back and is pinned to the mattress. The other explores her skin just as hers does mine. Her fingernails scrape along my rib cage, across the softer skin of my oblique, and across my hip. They involuntarily rise from the mattress for more contact but she pushes me down, softly but in control. I feel her nails again as they drag across the skin of my inner thigh. Toward my knee and back. I try to hold my breath to hear hers but when her palm flattens and squeezes my hip, pulling me into her, I groan. It almost drowns the sound of my phone buzzing on the bedside table._

_"No, no, no, no…" I pull Maura's mouth to mine and blindly slap at the table to silence it. She pulls away smiling._

_"It's work."_

_"No. Probably Ma." The phone buzzes again. I pull her back in._

_"It's 3am. It's work." The phone stills and I smile in victory._

_"See?" She affords me another deep kiss. An incredible three seconds. But we both groan when her phone chirps to life. "Shit." _

_"Told you." She shifts on top of me and grabs both of our phones. Mine buzzes again. "You got Korsak, I got Cavanaugh." We both negotiate our screens._

_"Dr. Isles."_

_"Rizzoli." I watch as her eyes shift between different points on the wall. I wonder if anyone has looked so beautiful just listening. My free hand traces the curve of her bottom lip and she swats my hand away. _

_"Yes sir, Lieutenant." I clamp my hand over her mouth, eyes wide._

_"Was that…Dr. Isles?" Korsak. My eyes squeeze shut._

_"No! I mean uh… yea… she needed… she had menstrual…problems…" Maura's slaps my arm. _

_"Agh! Enough, enough! I will see you both when you get here." He hangs up, Maura ends her phone call, and she slaps my arm again._

_"Menstrual problems, Jane?"_

_"I panicked! He heard you!" She rolls her eyes and kisses my cheek, climbing out of bed._

_"And what are we supposed to do if he asks me about it?" _

_I climb out of bed and stretch. "If Korsak asks about your menstrual problems, we have bigger issues than my lie."_

_R&IR&IR&IR&IR&IR&I_

_There are cop cars everywhere and crime scene tape. A murder and kidnapping. The mother was shot, the child missing. We can't even get an ID on her. Her purse is gone. We can't find a lock box or file cabinet or anything that would have her name on it. The only info we got was from a neighbor who knows her as "Mo" with a two year old son. People don't exactly converse with their neighbors in this part of town. Bars on windows are standard around here. And her lack of furniture tells me that she wasn't here just for a sociology experiment. _

_We have already put out the Amber Alert but with no suspect information we know that it's a long shot. We know it's probably someone close to her. An ex, probably the child's father. There is no sign of struggle. No forced entry. She knew her attacker. _

_I'm standing over Maura who is crouched over the body, my focus is on the blood splatter on the wall, reconstructing their placement. _

_"Jane, take a look at this." She has pulled the shirt up and is pointing to a tattoo on our victim's shoulder blade. _

_"Luis." _

_"With a baby's footprint. Maybe that's the child." _

_"I'll check the system." Frost speaks beside me. _

_"Thanks." It takes three minutes, maybe four before Frost is back in the room._

_"Luis Castilla, two years and eight months. Entered into our system less than three months ago when his mother was arrested for shoplifting. Monica Hernandez-Castilla."_

_"Mo."_

_"She has a green Caprice registered in her name. Neighbor said it's usually parked right in front." He is a step ahead of me._

_"Good. Send that out as a BOLO and attach it to the Amber Alert." He nods and leaves the room._

_I look back to the wall and the splatter, chewing on my lip absentmindedly. _

_She stands and I feel her hands on my shoulders._

_"Jane, you are going to find this one. Alive. He's going to be fine." I find her eyes. Warm and caring. Concerned. I take a deep breath, clearing my mind of the thoughts I didn't realize were there. _

_"Thanks… Any idea how long?" I nod to the body._

_"Only about three hours." I calculate the distance that someone could have traveled in that time. I grab the first uniform I can find. "Extend the BOLO and Amber Alert to all of the north east. Get highway patrol monitoring all freeways. We need everyone moving." He nods and disappears. "Korsak, a neighbor called this in? What are the details?"_

_"The responding officer said the neighbor heard screaming but didn't report it immediately. Waited until she heard gunshots to call the police." I nod. _

_"We getting her to the station?"_

_"Already on it." I nod again. _

_"Jane! They got the car! Fifth and Jackson." I spin around to see Frost running from the door. Gone as quickly as he came. I run after him, following him to my unit. When I jump in I glance back to see Korsak jumping into his own to follow us. _

_"If this son of a bitch hurts him, Jane…" I don't respond. I don't think he is expecting me to. And nothing I can say is going to matter if we get there and he is dead. Nothing I can say will prepare us, either. So I don't say anything. _

_It takes an eternity to get to the scene. Patrol ended a short pursuit with the suspect but we haven't heard anything other than that. We start to see the glare of the lights ahead of us. Two units are directly behind the Caprice, two guns drawn and pointed toward it. It isn't until I stop my unit behind them that I see what they are pointed at. _

_"Hostage, Frost." The male has who we can only believe to be our victim's son wrapped in one arm, held against his body. A gun to his head. I draw my weapon and approach slowly. I lose sight of Frost. _

_"He's my son, too! She couldn't keep him from me forever. He is mine! YOU HEAR ME?" _

_"Hey, hey, hey, take it easy. What's your name?" My gun is holstered, my hands in front of me, unthreatening. I step around the uniforms trying to block his view of them. If he panics we are screwed. "All we want is for Luis to be safe. Can you promise us that?"_

_"You don't give a shit about him!" _

_"You're right. You're right. I don't care about him like you do." I have to side with him. "No one can love him like his father. That's why you don't want to hurt him. So can you let him go? We can work everything else out." It's working. He is thinking. He is cornered. Scared. Dangerous. "Tell me your name, buddy." His eyes scan his surroundings. Like a cornered animal._

_"Lu…Luis…" _

_"Good. Ok Luis, this must be little Luis then, huh?" He nods his head but doesn't look at me I'm not the threat. _

_"My son. MY son."_

_"Tell us what you want, Luis." I try to slowly approach while his eyes are off of me. When he looks at me he takes a step back. "Tell us what we can do."_

_"STOP ACTING LIKE YOU CARE!" We all flinch. " Where were you when she ran off? When I called and told them that she took my son? When you let that bitch keep him from me for TWO YEARS." He is losing control. He is screaming. The child is crying. Kicking. Terrified. I'm losing control of him._

_"You are right, Luis. We failed you. The police didn't help you. But I am here now. And I want to help. So tell me what you want." Luis stares at me, gauging me. I step forward. He stills. "Just put the gun down, Luis. You can keep your son, just put the gun down. No one needs to get hurt." I step forward again. _

_Talking to him has kept him distracted. Frost and Korsak were able to get to his rear, and they have taken cover behind a parked car. If we had a clear shot we would have taken it already. No one will risk taking a shot and hitting the child. Even Frost and Korsak can't risk a through and through hitting the little boy. We are at a standstill. At his mercy. But he is surrounded. _

_I advance on him again, leaving every bit of cover that I have. I am an open shot. "Come on, Luis. Put the gun down." My eyes are locked onto Luis but I see behind him that Frost is giving up his cover. Advancing. I want to scream at him to stay back. To stay behind cover. But he takes advantage of his position and advances quickly. His gun is holstered, his steps light. He is within arm's reach. _

_"Come on. Just put the gun down." I am watching him. Watching his reactions. Watching the tension on the trigger and the barrel pushed against his son's temple. And I see his eyes change. He has no way out. He pulls the hammer back on his gun, pulling the trigger back to its furthest point before it fires. _

_"IF I CAN'T HAVE HIM NO ONE CAN"_

"I can't do this anymore, Maura. Please..." I can't keep talking about it. Reliving it. I'm not that strong. Not anymore. She nods and I allow her to pull me into her shoulder. We sit silent for several minutes, I try to regain the breath that had become ragged.

"According to the report…" Maura starts and I close my eyes, filtering out her voice. "Frost tackled him. The child was dropped and there was a struggle for the weapon. Jane grabbed the baby and there were three shots." She puts her hand over my ear, holding me to her. "When I got to her she was at the precinct. Her car was parked out front. Every window shattered. There was a hole in the wall beside her desk. I found her on the sofa in my office." I have heard every word but none of it registers the emotion that it should. I am numb. "She just kept repeating on phrase, 'I let him die. I let him die… I let him die.'"


End file.
